Let Them Hear It (Poem)

Talking...

Never has it been a strong point,

always having plenty to say
but words fail at every turn.
promises made to be broken.

Speak too loudly, you're screaming.
Speak ever so softly, you're merely a whisper.
two things taken for granted.
When you speak both, you offend another.
Causing more silence instead of words.

Silencing your words, racing thoughts.
Why you ever opened your mouth in the first place,
questioning everything you are.
anger and frustration grow.

Tired of remaining quiet
just to please another.
It is not worth keeping it all in.
Let it go, let them hear it.

Say what needs to be said.

Encouraged to speak,

Truth and honesty,

Shutting down, closing off

Amidst the silence...

Speak, damn it.

Be silent no more.

kl 10/18/16

Somewhere Beneath the Stone (Poem)

The light that once existed deep down
was not destroyed but smothered with stone.
The thought of forever in darkness
became a part of life that felt normal.

Darkness became a comfort zone,
a place to run and hide in fear.
Somewhere that was not of this world
where one could be scared and alone.

Then you came along
with your hammer and chisel.
Slowly, you started to chip away the stone
searching for something beneath it.

More of the stone starts to chip away
revealing the depths to a brilliant light.
Finally, piercing the right point
the stone broke apart and light poured out
with hopes to never be sealed up again.

kj - 1/17/16

New Blog Name and some more....

Wow, I haven't written anything since August?! Life has been crazy since September! Long story short:

Divorced
Butte Fire
New boyfriend
New life
Going to school
Car accident
Torn calf muscle
Physical Therapy
Quit working
Full-time mom of 2 great kids

It's been a hell of a year for me, wish I could get into it a little more... but I am busy. I will be back to write poetry soon. Thanks for following!

Locked Inside My Head (poem)

So much pent up frustration,

words seem to keep failing me.
Letting too much get me down,
instead of getting back up.

I know I said and did stupid shit,
but none of that matters now.
Time to move on, time to let go,
it's just a matter of time now.

Why do I care so much?
Why does everything have to matter?
Why do I work so hard...
oh, that's right... it's me.

Proud of who I am today,
proud of who I've become.
Still a work in progress,
but at least I'm making something...
a better version of myself.

Took Some Time...

I know that it's been awhile since I have written anything besides poetry. I have been taking some time off from writing (even though I really didn't want to) and working on some personal things. Here is an update...

I started going back to college in January and finally found out what I want to pursue as a career choice. As of right now, I am working on attaining 2 types of certificates before I start working on going for the actual degree. Office Management and Medical Receptionist are the 2 certificates I've decided to achieve. I am really enjoying my classes that I've signed up for! Medical Terminology is, by far, my most favorite class! This semester I am taking Bookkeeping and Supervision, online of course. I did get to visit the campus this year and I absolutely love what they've done since I was there last. Hopefully soon, I will be able to take some on-campus classes.

I also started working at a local place, where I've worked before and love it. Some weeks I only work about 20 hours, but others I try to work 30+. Would like to eventually work full-time, but there have been a lot of changes recently... so that makes it hard to make it work. I do love my job and it's flexible with school and being able to be home with my son.

The hardest part of my life that I am about to tell you is... (if you haven't been told, or if you haven't noticed) that I am now divorced. Why, you ask, is that the hardest part? Because growing up, I believed that divorce was never an option and that every relationship just needed work and time to make things better. Well... that wasn't the case for me. Three years have gone by and I just had to say enough is enough. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at any time. I don't want to say too much "out loud".

As for my son, he is going to be 10 soon... so crazy!! He just started 4th grade too!! Where does the time go? I don't want to put out too much info, but everything is going well for him. Just keeping up with doctor's appts and such.

Hopefully, I can reincorporate writing into my schedule... I miss it so much! It is such a huge part of my life... that I feel lost without it. Goodnight!

To Never Have Again (Poem)

Time has come and gone away,
too much time has been lost.
Not so much has been wasted,
just forgotten and to never have again.

Darkness washes over this life,
like the night sky when the sun goes down.
Only praying that the light returns,
when it just grows darker.

Moonless, starless, darkness of night
no shadows to hide
no light to dance around in.
Suffocating, feeling the world closing in.

Feeling like forever and more time has been lost,
the light begins to show itself on the horizon.
Returning that tiny bit of hope that never faded,
trusting that the light will always return.

Make It Happen (poem)

We are not damaged or broken,

we are simply breaking out of the shell

to become better versions of ourselves.

Stop trying to fix it, let it be.

We live and we learn through experience,

love and loss will always be a part of that.

You have to decide when it is the right time

to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward.

When that day comes, it will feel wonderful.

Like the chains have been broken,

your soul has been freed from the pain,

and all you can see is the light.

Believe in yourself and stand strong

because it is your life, take control.

Dream, set goals, make a wish, have a plan

but most of all, make it happen.

Life Goes On (Poem)

Eventually,
the nightmares will turn into dreams,
the pain will turn into strength,
and the fake smiles become real ones.

Tears will remain tears, for sadness or joy.
Fear will fade and courage will take its place.
Wings will heal and chains will break.
The heart will mend as it remembers freedom.

Breathing in, taking it all in
breathing deeper as it floods the mind.
Breathe out, letting it all go.
Leaving only memories of what was.

Time,
no longer for the past,
nor spent on the future,
but only for right now is the most important.

Will I See You Again? (poem)

I saw an owl today,
flew right by me as I was driving home.
All I could think about was you.
How did we get here?

You were my best friend,
and some how it ended.
You've been gone for so long,
but it feels like you never left.

Remember the day we danced in the rain?
It's never been the same since then.
I'm thankful for the rain though
it hides my tears and drowns my sorrows.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see you again,
more than just my thoughts and dreams.
I'm grateful for the reminders because
today I saw an owl.

kj - 5/20/15

Stop Questioning Who You Are (poem)

When you find yourself surrounded,
with people who think nothing of you,
you start to believe that you will never
be good enough as you are or ever.

The state of mind that sticks around
always questioning who you are
as a person, as a friend, and as a lover.
Wondering if you'll ever be worthy of real love.

Reassured by others who truly believe in you,
that you are deserving of so much more.
The looks of pitiful sympathy as you
spiral down this path of darkness.

Everything you ever knew,
everything that once was,
gone in a blink of an eye,
leaving you questioning yourself even more.

Without closure, the path just gets darker.
With a small amount of hope and light,
things will get better soon enough.
Only you get to decide when you are enough.

kj - 5/1/2015

Healing Hands (my personal essay)

Nervously walking into a room where the next adventure would take place, questioning if it was the right choice to make. Taking a moment to let it sink in, I take a long deep breath in taking notice of everything around me. Lavender and mint, neutral colors of whites and greens, and mostly silence except for the occasional creaking of the floor. Where tables were strategically placed for an open learning experience, along with a comfortable couch where I would spend some time for the first few days. Breathing out, this is where I would spend the next two weeks learning an intensive course about massage therapy.

Before going into the hands on part of massage therapy, they teach the basics of anatomy and physiology. By the end, your brain is buzzing with information and knowledge that can be taken with you into every massage. We learned the basics of the business and the tools one would need to create a business ground up. From marketing to techniques, they also include information about liability insurance, patient surveys and having the ability to turn someone away because of a medical issue. Allowing one’s ability to not just be great at what they do, but to be covered just in case.

Is there a particular scent or aroma that makes you feel relaxed, at ease, and comfortable? A massage therapist can make their own mixture of lotions and oils for use during sessions, based on client reference. Choosing the right type of music or sounds also aids in the relaxation process. What types of sounds and instruments help you reach a sense of relaxation? There are many variations of music out there; some are specifically created for spas or therapy sessions.

During the class, I had only one other classmate to practice on. So we would take turns practicing on each other. Which is great, but you don’t get as much experience because everyone is different. That’s why I enjoyed the last part of the course where you bring in three clients of your own. I could only come up with two, so my teacher offered to bring someone else for me. The best compliments come from people you don’t know personally and this person also offered me a $20 tip. It was a great feeling, hearing about how he had felt after his massage. I finally got the sense that I had made the right choice from the beginning.

Becoming a massage therapist was important to me because I believed in natural healing. It was a great way to help people feel better emotionally, mentally, and physically. All the things that I had ever wanted to do for others was offered to me through this type of profession. With the high demand of stress, I hope to return to that line of work so that I can continue helping others reach a better state of mind; for better health and a longer life.

Why I Continue to Write

I've never really lived outside my comfort zone, let alone step outside of it. In a way, I guess it's mostly fear, but I think part of it has to do with not knowing how. Where do you go, what do you do?

This last year alone, I have been able to do things, go places, and enjoy some natural wonders. I'm driving myself places, feeling a little bit of freedom more and more each time. While still holding on to my priorities and keeping to my responsibilities, I'm getting more done now then ever before. It is true, only you can hold yourself back... and it doesn't help when everyone knows that.

Being a pescetarian is one of the longest running choices I've made and it hasn't been easy. How many times do I get tempted to give up? What is it really doing for me anyways? I'll tell you. It's made me realize that I can make a choice and stick with it. That no matter how hard it gets, I can work it out and keep going. I find that to be the motivation I need to pick the next best thing for my next step in the right direction.

I'll be honest, I wasn't sure where this post would go and I certainly didn't think it would turn out so positive. I'm in the process of writing a personal essay and have had the worst luck trying to come up with something. I think I now have something to work with. Ah, the power of the "written" word! (Forgive any errors, I'm on my cell phone). Thank you for sticking it out with me, I know it's not easy... but it isn't supposed to be. Otherwise, I wouldn't be me!

The Sand Has Run Out (Poem)

How do you get past the pain
of loving someone who doesn't love you?
The feeling that lives deep down in your soul
that hasn't been corrupted by the darkness.

Such an inkling of hope still exists
a hope to find a way to extinguish that hope.
To never feel this way, to love this way
and to never live this way ever again.

Not a day goes by where I don't wonder,
was it something I did, was it something I said.
Will I ever be enough for someone else,
as I have learned to love who I am?

Except for the love between a mother and child,
I will never know any other kind of love.
I no longer believe that it is even possible.
No doubts, no hope, no time for it left in this hourglass.

kj- 02/08/15

We Are In This Together (Poem)

Forever by your side.
Standing with you, not in front or behind.
Together, we walk until it is time to make our own path.
Stronger than ever, we will make it through anything.

No matter what a fight was about,
or the hurtful words that were said,
even if sorry may not be enough,
a stronger bond is created.

My heart breaks from just knowing,
that someday you will see what's really happening.
For now, I'll hold you in my arms
because we are in this together.

When you want to cry, I will be here.
When you burst into laughter, I will laugh too.
When you sing, we can sing together.
When you are afraid of falling, I'll be there to catch you.

kj- 1/18/15

It Doesn't Matter What They Say (Poem)

Looking beyond the mirror,

past the comments and remarks.

Further than what is seen,

envisioning how you feel about yourself.

Not ignoring what you really look like,

acknowledging the fact that you aren't what you see.

Knowing that you want to be different,

regardless of what shows on the outside.

Either the mirror is lying,

or you are lying to yourself.

It doesn't have to be either one, really.

As long as you accept yourself as you are.

If you want to change, then do it for you.

Remain true to yourself and your image.

Inner beauty is just as powerful as outer beauty.

Become the reflection, don't let it become you.

kj-1/18/15

Don't Forget Who You Are (Poem)

You think you know someone,
and that's when you realize something.
Once you really start to think about it,
it all becomes pretty clear after awhile.

The liars stand out,
along with the backstabbers and haters.
You learn to let go though
because it's only you knows the truth.

Getting caught up in the moment,
is all it really takes to go blind.
Becoming distracted by friendships
that never should have happened.

That's when you realized it...
when you thought you knew someone.
The part that is clear, you didn't know them...
you just simply forgot who you were.

Sitting by the Fireplace (Poem)

Was it all just a dream,
or a nightmare in disguise?
The pain... it feels so real,
as if I were wide awake.

Sitting by the fireplace,
staring blankly at the flames.
Losing myself in so many thoughts,
of what was, and may never be.

The warmth of the fire,
temporarily warming my body...
but it will never be hot enough
to warm my heart or soul.

My mind, exhausted with constant thought
never ceasing to stay silent for too long.
Unlike the flames that will simply burn out,
only to have to start all over again.

kj - 1/15/15

Vegetarian Zuppa Toscana Recipe

Similar to Olive Garden's own recipe!

I loved the soup at Olive Garden, it's so hearty and comforting! Now that I am a vegetarian, I can't order my favorite soup. I have looked online for many different recipes, and I have created my own version of it! It is in the crock pot as I write this.

This is the first time using Field Roast Italian "Sausage", so I am excited to try it! I have had their Smoked Apple Sage and it was so good! The flavor is amazing, you can't tell that you aren't eating sausage! I bought the Field Roast sausages in the Vegan refrigerated section at Safeway, it runs about $5 depending on sale prices and availability. 

I also used a bit more garlic than listed because I LOVE garlic! A clove of garlic makes about 1 teaspoon minced garlic, this calls for 2 cloves... and I used about 1 1/2 tablespoons minced garlic. You can add some white onion in there if you like the flavor of onions. I am not big on them so I didn't add any. I think with the vegetable stock and the garlic, mixed with the flavors from the sausage, there should be enough flavor to go around!

So, here is my recipe! I will definitely be back to leave a review of how it turned out!

Vegetarian Zuppa Toscana

Ingredients

4 Italian "sausages" (I used vegan Field Roast)

2 cloves Garlic (minced)

1/8 chopped onion (optional)

4 cups Kale (chopped)

4 Large Russet Potatoes (cubed)

32 ounces Vegetable Stock (or Vegetable broth if preferred) 

1 cup Water

1 1/2 cups evaporated milk (I used 3/4 c. Vitamin D and 3/4 c. Lowfat 2%)*

Instructions

1. Slice Italian "sausages" into 1mm round circles.
2. Saute garlic and sausages in a pan until cooked and browned.
3. Remove from heat and pour into a large crock pot.
4. Saute the diced kale for 2 - 3 minutes, just enough to soften and lightly brown.
5. Add Kale to crock pot and remaining ingredients (except for 1 cup water).
6. Cook on high for 4 - 6 hours. 
7. Add remaining 1 cup of water after about 4 hours.

*You can use 2 cans of one kind as well, especially if you want to make it healthier.

***REVIEW***

After everything was finished, we made grilled cheese sandwiches to go with the soup. Everything tasted fantastic! Just one alteration I made was going down to only needing 1 cup of water. The kale cooked down in the broth and I think most of the water cooked out of it. If you like a lot of flavors, I suggest adding the onion to the mixture. Other than that, it was pretty tasty! My family really enjoyed it, even though they are not vegetarians. If you try this recipe, or make any changes to it, please comment below so others may try it as well. Thank you!

What Once Was (poem)

This pain grows deeper,
quickly taking its place.
Leaving nothing behind,
but a path of sorrow and emptiness.

Some days are better than others,
still holding onto what little hope is left.
Seeing the light, keeping it close so that it
doesn't fade into the depths of darkness.

The tears, they fall.
The smile, it hides.
The cries, silently screaming.
The feeling, still so intense.

To feel, is to show you're still alive.
But to know so much pain,
you only wish to never feel it again.
Not even in death, could it be cured.

km - 12/9/14

Stepping Away

How do you step away from negativity? When you are surrounded by it, with nowhere to go. Anything you say is wrong, everything you do will never be good enough. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to know how to block it out, move past the harsh words, and not let it get to me. These people, they know exactly what to say... it not only gets under your skin, it becomes that voice in the back of your head. The one I fight all the time, telling myself that I am better than that.

I no longer want to live my family's motto, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". Gratitude goes a long way, being thankful for what you have and not resentful for what you never had. Stepping away from that bubble of darkness and loneliness. I have my strong points, but when it becomes a repetitive cycle... it eats away at your soul, your subconsciousness, always fighting to remember the better things.

There will always be people in your life, you are never completely alone. At least it is what I like to believe. There are people who lift you up, there are people who bring you down, and there are people who are just there. Most of the time, the people you are closest to will have your back, or they will stab you in the back. Some people even know how to help you, and then make you feel like a piece of shit. How do you not let that get to you?

Then there are the ones, who you never talk to... who start spreading rumors based off of something they concluded on their own. It is tiring to have to explain yourself, even when you never did anything wrong. The pointing of the fingers, the deception, and the things people say just to stir up problems... THAT NEVER EXISTED.

Either way, I am tired of fighting this feeling. People telling you that you are not a good mother, that you are not fit to be a mother, that you will never accomplish anything in life, that you were a mistake, a regret, they blame you for everything that went wrong in their life, and that it's your fault for not trying. Feeling manipulated is not a way of life. Always trying to figure out someone else's angle because there is usually a reason behind something. Not because you are paranoid, but because it's happened before.

Enough is enough. I'm stepping away. Not giving up, just not giving in either. It may seem like I am angry, but all I am really trying to do... is understand, because right now... I don't. I am far from perfect and I don't expect others to be. I am just lost in the idea of what love, trust, and family really are.