We Are In This Together (Poem)

Forever by your side.
Standing with you, not in front or behind.
Together, we walk until it is time to make our own path.
Stronger than ever, we will make it through anything.

No matter what a fight was about,
or the hurtful words that were said,
even if sorry may not be enough,
a stronger bond is created.

My heart breaks from just knowing,
that someday you will see what's really happening.
For now, I'll hold you in my arms
because we are in this together.

When you want to cry, I will be here.
When you burst into laughter, I will laugh too.
When you sing, we can sing together.
When you are afraid of falling, I'll be there to catch you.

kj- 1/18/15

It Doesn't Matter What They Say (Poem)

Looking beyond the mirror,

past the comments and remarks.

Further than what is seen,

envisioning how you feel about yourself.

Not ignoring what you really look like,

acknowledging the fact that you aren't what you see.

Knowing that you want to be different,

regardless of what shows on the outside.

Either the mirror is lying,

or you are lying to yourself.

It doesn't have to be either one, really.

As long as you accept yourself as you are.

If you want to change, then do it for you.

Remain true to yourself and your image.

Inner beauty is just as powerful as outer beauty.

Become the reflection, don't let it become you.

kj-1/18/15

Don't Forget Who You Are (Poem)

You think you know someone,
and that's when you realize something.
Once you really start to think about it,
it all becomes pretty clear after awhile.

The liars stand out,
along with the backstabbers and haters.
You learn to let go though
because it's only you knows the truth.

Getting caught up in the moment,
is all it really takes to go blind.
Becoming distracted by friendships
that never should have happened.

That's when you realized it...
when you thought you knew someone.
The part that is clear, you didn't know them...
you just simply forgot who you were.

Sitting by the Fireplace (Poem)

Was it all just a dream,
or a nightmare in disguise?
The pain... it feels so real,
as if I were wide awake.

Sitting by the fireplace,
staring blankly at the flames.
Losing myself in so many thoughts,
of what was, and may never be.

The warmth of the fire,
temporarily warming my body...
but it will never be hot enough
to warm my heart or soul.

My mind, exhausted with constant thought
never ceasing to stay silent for too long.
Unlike the flames that will simply burn out,
only to have to start all over again.

kj - 1/15/15

Vegetarian Zuppa Toscana Recipe

Similar to Olive Garden's own recipe!

I loved the soup at Olive Garden, it's so hearty and comforting! Now that I am a vegetarian, I can't order my favorite soup. I have looked online for many different recipes, and I have created my own version of it! It is in the crock pot as I write this.

This is the first time using Field Roast Italian "Sausage", so I am excited to try it! I have had their Smoked Apple Sage and it was so good! The flavor is amazing, you can't tell that you aren't eating sausage! I bought the Field Roast sausages in the Vegan refrigerated section at Safeway, it runs about $5 depending on sale prices and availability. 

I also used a bit more garlic than listed because I LOVE garlic! A clove of garlic makes about 1 teaspoon minced garlic, this calls for 2 cloves... and I used about 1 1/2 tablespoons minced garlic. You can add some white onion in there if you like the flavor of onions. I am not big on them so I didn't add any. I think with the vegetable stock and the garlic, mixed with the flavors from the sausage, there should be enough flavor to go around!

So, here is my recipe! I will definitely be back to leave a review of how it turned out!

Vegetarian Zuppa Toscana

Ingredients

4 Italian "sausages" (I used vegan Field Roast)

2 cloves Garlic (minced)

1/8 chopped onion (optional)

4 cups Kale (chopped)

4 Large Russet Potatoes (cubed)

32 ounces Vegetable Stock (or Vegetable broth if preferred) 

1 cup Water

1 1/2 cups evaporated milk (I used 3/4 c. Vitamin D and 3/4 c. Lowfat 2%)*

Instructions

1. Slice Italian "sausages" into 1mm round circles.
2. Saute garlic and sausages in a pan until cooked and browned.
3. Remove from heat and pour into a large crock pot.
4. Saute the diced kale for 2 - 3 minutes, just enough to soften and lightly brown.
5. Add Kale to crock pot and remaining ingredients (except for 1 cup water).
6. Cook on high for 4 - 6 hours. 
7. Add remaining 1 cup of water after about 4 hours.

*You can use 2 cans of one kind as well, especially if you want to make it healthier.

***REVIEW***

After everything was finished, we made grilled cheese sandwiches to go with the soup. Everything tasted fantastic! Just one alteration I made was going down to only needing 1 cup of water. The kale cooked down in the broth and I think most of the water cooked out of it. If you like a lot of flavors, I suggest adding the onion to the mixture. Other than that, it was pretty tasty! My family really enjoyed it, even though they are not vegetarians. If you try this recipe, or make any changes to it, please comment below so others may try it as well. Thank you!

What Once Was (poem)

This pain grows deeper,
quickly taking its place.
Leaving nothing behind,
but a path of sorrow and emptiness.

Some days are better than others,
still holding onto what little hope is left.
Seeing the light, keeping it close so that it
doesn't fade into the depths of darkness.

The tears, they fall.
The smile, it hides.
The cries, silently screaming.
The feeling, still so intense.

To feel, is to show you're still alive.
But to know so much pain,
you only wish to never feel it again.
Not even in death, could it be cured.

km - 12/9/14

Stepping Away

How do you step away from negativity? When you are surrounded by it, with nowhere to go. Anything you say is wrong, everything you do will never be good enough. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to know how to block it out, move past the harsh words, and not let it get to me. These people, they know exactly what to say... it not only gets under your skin, it becomes that voice in the back of your head. The one I fight all the time, telling myself that I am better than that.

I no longer want to live my family's motto, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". Gratitude goes a long way, being thankful for what you have and not resentful for what you never had. Stepping away from that bubble of darkness and loneliness. I have my strong points, but when it becomes a repetitive cycle... it eats away at your soul, your subconsciousness, always fighting to remember the better things.

There will always be people in your life, you are never completely alone. At least it is what I like to believe. There are people who lift you up, there are people who bring you down, and there are people who are just there. Most of the time, the people you are closest to will have your back, or they will stab you in the back. Some people even know how to help you, and then make you feel like a piece of shit. How do you not let that get to you?

Then there are the ones, who you never talk to... who start spreading rumors based off of something they concluded on their own. It is tiring to have to explain yourself, even when you never did anything wrong. The pointing of the fingers, the deception, and the things people say just to stir up problems... THAT NEVER EXISTED.

Either way, I am tired of fighting this feeling. People telling you that you are not a good mother, that you are not fit to be a mother, that you will never accomplish anything in life, that you were a mistake, a regret, they blame you for everything that went wrong in their life, and that it's your fault for not trying. Feeling manipulated is not a way of life. Always trying to figure out someone else's angle because there is usually a reason behind something. Not because you are paranoid, but because it's happened before.

Enough is enough. I'm stepping away. Not giving up, just not giving in either. It may seem like I am angry, but all I am really trying to do... is understand, because right now... I don't. I am far from perfect and I don't expect others to be. I am just lost in the idea of what love, trust, and family really are.

Hiding Behind The Mask (poem)

My reflection,
who I see and who I am are different.
Fear that it will never show
who I am on the inside.

What do people see?
Does it really matter?
Why do they judge me?
Should it not matter?

So much love to share with the world,
despite how upside my world is right now.
Feeling forgotten with time,
why am I so forgettable?

Reaching out to my reflection,
the image starts to ripple.
Perspective changes,
what I see is just a mask...

Hiding behind, in fear of being seen again.

A Different Kind of Feeling

Last week, I started using an app called C25k to help get me running again. It is a great training app that does intervals of running and walking, with a warm-up and cool down. A voice guides you along, letting you know when to walk, run, jog, warm up, cool down, lets you know when you are half way through, and when you complete the workout. It really has motivated me to get off my butt and get moving again.

My major goal right now, is to live long enough to see the world a little longer than predicted. Running will help me achieve that goal. What's great about it? It not only gets me motivated, my son wants to keep me going too! I found a way to show him that you can do anything, as long as you believe. To never give up, no matter how hard it gets.  Plus, it always helps to have someone cheering you on!

Along with my running, I have noticed a difference in my food habits. Yes, there are a couple times where I just want the worst thing for me (Oreos). Overall, I just want better things to eat so I don't lose that good feeling I get after a good run. Finally getting the chance to slowly wean off of processed foods. The last two times I have gotten fast food, they have made me sick. I am craving leafy greens, healthy fruits, other kinds of vegetables, incorporating more nuts (haha) into my lifestyle, and it feels great!

I will be honest, I was a blubbering mess this morning... did not want to get out of bed, but I did it. I put my shoes and socks on, started my running playlist, and walked outside. Thirty minutes later, I was alive, my head was clearer than when I started, and I knew that I didn't give up. I have completed 2 weeks of training with this app, and let me tell you, it is getting easier. The pain isn't as overwhelming anymore. I am also researching tips on breathing and shin splint prevention, looking up different types of shoes, body forms that really help prevent injury, and finding songs that better fit my tempo. Biggest accomplishment? Telling that little nagging voice in my head, that tells me that I can't do it, to SHUT UP! I know I can do this and I will. Its only 3 days a week for 30 minutes each day, I can't complain! Well, actually I can... there are days when I want to do another 30 minute program!! Now that is just amazing!

When I run, it is a different kind of feeling. I thought that driving would be the ultimate feeling of freedom, but for me, it no longer is. Running is one thing in life that I have always loved doing, but held back because of my weight. Not any more. I am going to take it easy so I don't hurt myself, but I am going to continue this endeavor until I have reached my goal. I will complete a 5k in my lifetime!

Pescetarian and Proud

Six months ago, I made a lifestyle change. I chose to give up meat. I knew that I had a hard time digesting meats, especially red meats. So, I knew that I had to make a change in my way of eating, in order to feel better. Not to only feel better when I ate, but to feel better about myself too. Eventually, my goal is to be a vegetarian, but right now, I love fish, shrimp, and sushi! I don't feel horrible after eating those things, my stomach doesn't disagree entirely with them. But I am happy that I have incorporated more fruits and veggies into my life, and soon I will be lessening the amount of processed foods as well.

For me, this isn't just some "special diet", as some may call it. Some people were very supportive, and some... not so much or even at all. Saying that I wouldn't stick with it, or last long with this "diet". Let me explain something. This was NOT a DIET. This is what you call a lifestyle change. Why? Because life is worth living for a lot longer than predicted. But here's the thing, not everyone is cut out for a different lifestyle. Everybody's body reacts differently to all kinds of things. I should be able to change my habits, for the betterment of myself.

Have I ever craved a big juicy burger, or a big piece of steak, or the popular item of bacon that is on everything? Yah, sure I have, but it isn't worth the health risks to enjoy those things. I remind myself that what I am doing is worth it, and I move on. It's not worth getting sick over.

Of course, I ended up in the hospital after having dinner at a Mexican restaurant... but here is the kicker, I also had ice cream right after at Cold Stone Creamery. Love their ice cream, but not worth it anymore. All the fat and grease from the food I ate, solidified by ice cream (chocolate, fudge, and brownies)... what a disaster I put myself in. One of those nights that I had let myself go and ate too much crap. Nobody wants a trip to the hospital to be a reminder as to why we want to live differently. Don't wait until that point.

Among other things, I also gave up soda and alcohol. Have I had a soda since then? Of course. I have had a couple in the last 5 months. Despite being surrounded with so many great sodas, it also is not worth the health risk. I don't mind a ginger ale every once in a while, or a sip of rootbeer. Or if I hadn't had my caffiene that day, then Pepsi was the way to go. It doesn't happen a lot, I think I have only had 1 20oz soda since I gave it up.

Alcohol, also because of the health risks that go along with it. It was great getting drunk, or drinking for a buzz, but it was also getting out of hand. So, I stopped drinking and it helped to give up soda because I loved Rum and Coke. I have had maybe 2 drinks since then, but it was a Strawberrita (sp) and a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Woo. I am just better off without it.

I haven't lost much weight since giving these things up, but I've noticed a change in the way I feel. More energy, more focused, I don't get sick as often as I used to. The hardest decision I have to make, is what kind of food to eat when I go out. If I go to the right places, it's not so difficult. The worst part about loving pizza, was loving to eat it with a soda. And what about Rootbeer Floats, huh? Who doesn't love those?

I would rather die happy knowing that I was able to live a longer life, just by choosing a different habit. I love food, but not enough to die for it.