Stop Questioning Who You Are (poem)

When you find yourself surrounded,
with people who think nothing of you,
you start to believe that you will never
be good enough as you are or ever.

The state of mind that sticks around
always questioning who you are
as a person, as a friend, and as a lover.
Wondering if you'll ever be worthy of real love.

Reassured by others who truly believe in you,
that you are deserving of so much more.
The looks of pitiful sympathy as you
spiral down this path of darkness.

Everything you ever knew,
everything that once was,
gone in a blink of an eye,
leaving you questioning yourself even more.

Without closure, the path just gets darker.
With a small amount of hope and light,
things will get better soon enough.
Only you get to decide when you are enough.

kj - 5/1/2015

Healing Hands (my personal essay)

Nervously walking into a room where the next adventure would take place, questioning if it was the right choice to make. Taking a moment to let it sink in, I take a long deep breath in taking notice of everything around me. Lavender and mint, neutral colors of whites and greens, and mostly silence except for the occasional creaking of the floor. Where tables were strategically placed for an open learning experience, along with a comfortable couch where I would spend some time for the first few days. Breathing out, this is where I would spend the next two weeks learning an intensive course about massage therapy.

Before going into the hands on part of massage therapy, they teach the basics of anatomy and physiology. By the end, your brain is buzzing with information and knowledge that can be taken with you into every massage. We learned the basics of the business and the tools one would need to create a business ground up. From marketing to techniques, they also include information about liability insurance, patient surveys and having the ability to turn someone away because of a medical issue. Allowing one’s ability to not just be great at what they do, but to be covered just in case.

Is there a particular scent or aroma that makes you feel relaxed, at ease, and comfortable? A massage therapist can make their own mixture of lotions and oils for use during sessions, based on client reference. Choosing the right type of music or sounds also aids in the relaxation process. What types of sounds and instruments help you reach a sense of relaxation? There are many variations of music out there; some are specifically created for spas or therapy sessions.

During the class, I had only one other classmate to practice on. So we would take turns practicing on each other. Which is great, but you don’t get as much experience because everyone is different. That’s why I enjoyed the last part of the course where you bring in three clients of your own. I could only come up with two, so my teacher offered to bring someone else for me. The best compliments come from people you don’t know personally and this person also offered me a $20 tip. It was a great feeling, hearing about how he had felt after his massage. I finally got the sense that I had made the right choice from the beginning.

Becoming a massage therapist was important to me because I believed in natural healing. It was a great way to help people feel better emotionally, mentally, and physically. All the things that I had ever wanted to do for others was offered to me through this type of profession. With the high demand of stress, I hope to return to that line of work so that I can continue helping others reach a better state of mind; for better health and a longer life.

Why I Continue to Write

I've never really lived outside my comfort zone, let alone step outside of it. In a way, I guess it's mostly fear, but I think part of it has to do with not knowing how. Where do you go, what do you do?

This last year alone, I have been able to do things, go places, and enjoy some natural wonders. I'm driving myself places, feeling a little bit of freedom more and more each time. While still holding on to my priorities and keeping to my responsibilities, I'm getting more done now then ever before. It is true, only you can hold yourself back... and it doesn't help when everyone knows that.

Being a pescetarian is one of the longest running choices I've made and it hasn't been easy. How many times do I get tempted to give up? What is it really doing for me anyways? I'll tell you. It's made me realize that I can make a choice and stick with it. That no matter how hard it gets, I can work it out and keep going. I find that to be the motivation I need to pick the next best thing for my next step in the right direction.

I'll be honest, I wasn't sure where this post would go and I certainly didn't think it would turn out so positive. I'm in the process of writing a personal essay and have had the worst luck trying to come up with something. I think I now have something to work with. Ah, the power of the "written" word! (Forgive any errors, I'm on my cell phone). Thank you for sticking it out with me, I know it's not easy... but it isn't supposed to be. Otherwise, I wouldn't be me!

The Sand Has Run Out (Poem)

How do you get past the pain
of loving someone who doesn't love you?
The feeling that lives deep down in your soul
that hasn't been corrupted by the darkness.

Such an inkling of hope still exists
a hope to find a way to extinguish that hope.
To never feel this way, to love this way
and to never live this way ever again.

Not a day goes by where I don't wonder,
was it something I did, was it something I said.
Will I ever be enough for someone else,
as I have learned to love who I am?

Except for the love between a mother and child,
I will never know any other kind of love.
I no longer believe that it is even possible.
No doubts, no hope, no time for it left in this hourglass.

kj- 02/08/15

We Are In This Together (Poem)

Forever by your side.
Standing with you, not in front or behind.
Together, we walk until it is time to make our own path.
Stronger than ever, we will make it through anything.

No matter what a fight was about,
or the hurtful words that were said,
even if sorry may not be enough,
a stronger bond is created.

My heart breaks from just knowing,
that someday you will see what's really happening.
For now, I'll hold you in my arms
because we are in this together.

When you want to cry, I will be here.
When you burst into laughter, I will laugh too.
When you sing, we can sing together.
When you are afraid of falling, I'll be there to catch you.

kj- 1/18/15

It Doesn't Matter What They Say (Poem)

Looking beyond the mirror,

past the comments and remarks.

Further than what is seen,

envisioning how you feel about yourself.

Not ignoring what you really look like,

acknowledging the fact that you aren't what you see.

Knowing that you want to be different,

regardless of what shows on the outside.

Either the mirror is lying,

or you are lying to yourself.

It doesn't have to be either one, really.

As long as you accept yourself as you are.

If you want to change, then do it for you.

Remain true to yourself and your image.

Inner beauty is just as powerful as outer beauty.

Become the reflection, don't let it become you.

kj-1/18/15

Don't Forget Who You Are (Poem)

You think you know someone,
and that's when you realize something.
Once you really start to think about it,
it all becomes pretty clear after awhile.

The liars stand out,
along with the backstabbers and haters.
You learn to let go though
because it's only you knows the truth.

Getting caught up in the moment,
is all it really takes to go blind.
Becoming distracted by friendships
that never should have happened.

That's when you realized it...
when you thought you knew someone.
The part that is clear, you didn't know them...
you just simply forgot who you were.

Sitting by the Fireplace (Poem)

Was it all just a dream,
or a nightmare in disguise?
The pain... it feels so real,
as if I were wide awake.

Sitting by the fireplace,
staring blankly at the flames.
Losing myself in so many thoughts,
of what was, and may never be.

The warmth of the fire,
temporarily warming my body...
but it will never be hot enough
to warm my heart or soul.

My mind, exhausted with constant thought
never ceasing to stay silent for too long.
Unlike the flames that will simply burn out,
only to have to start all over again.

kj - 1/15/15

Vegetarian Zuppa Toscana Recipe

Similar to Olive Garden's own recipe!

I loved the soup at Olive Garden, it's so hearty and comforting! Now that I am a vegetarian, I can't order my favorite soup. I have looked online for many different recipes, and I have created my own version of it! It is in the crock pot as I write this.

This is the first time using Field Roast Italian "Sausage", so I am excited to try it! I have had their Smoked Apple Sage and it was so good! The flavor is amazing, you can't tell that you aren't eating sausage! I bought the Field Roast sausages in the Vegan refrigerated section at Safeway, it runs about $5 depending on sale prices and availability. 

I also used a bit more garlic than listed because I LOVE garlic! A clove of garlic makes about 1 teaspoon minced garlic, this calls for 2 cloves... and I used about 1 1/2 tablespoons minced garlic. You can add some white onion in there if you like the flavor of onions. I am not big on them so I didn't add any. I think with the vegetable stock and the garlic, mixed with the flavors from the sausage, there should be enough flavor to go around!

So, here is my recipe! I will definitely be back to leave a review of how it turned out!

Vegetarian Zuppa Toscana

Ingredients

4 Italian "sausages" (I used vegan Field Roast)

2 cloves Garlic (minced)

1/8 chopped onion (optional)

4 cups Kale (chopped)

4 Large Russet Potatoes (cubed)

32 ounces Vegetable Stock (or Vegetable broth if preferred) 

1 cup Water

1 1/2 cups evaporated milk (I used 3/4 c. Vitamin D and 3/4 c. Lowfat 2%)*

Instructions

1. Slice Italian "sausages" into 1mm round circles.
2. Saute garlic and sausages in a pan until cooked and browned.
3. Remove from heat and pour into a large crock pot.
4. Saute the diced kale for 2 - 3 minutes, just enough to soften and lightly brown.
5. Add Kale to crock pot and remaining ingredients (except for 1 cup water).
6. Cook on high for 4 - 6 hours. 
7. Add remaining 1 cup of water after about 4 hours.

*You can use 2 cans of one kind as well, especially if you want to make it healthier.

***REVIEW***

After everything was finished, we made grilled cheese sandwiches to go with the soup. Everything tasted fantastic! Just one alteration I made was going down to only needing 1 cup of water. The kale cooked down in the broth and I think most of the water cooked out of it. If you like a lot of flavors, I suggest adding the onion to the mixture. Other than that, it was pretty tasty! My family really enjoyed it, even though they are not vegetarians. If you try this recipe, or make any changes to it, please comment below so others may try it as well. Thank you!

What Once Was (poem)

This pain grows deeper,
quickly taking its place.
Leaving nothing behind,
but a path of sorrow and emptiness.

Some days are better than others,
still holding onto what little hope is left.
Seeing the light, keeping it close so that it
doesn't fade into the depths of darkness.

The tears, they fall.
The smile, it hides.
The cries, silently screaming.
The feeling, still so intense.

To feel, is to show you're still alive.
But to know so much pain,
you only wish to never feel it again.
Not even in death, could it be cured.

km - 12/9/14