Forgive Me

So, I know that I have made a lot of empty promises to do something different. It seems like once I get something started, I never finish it. This time I don't want to make any promises because things happen, and I can't control every situation that comes along. I want to put the focus back where it counts, on me. I feel that I have been lacking as a person, and I need to get back in touch with who I am. I have been a crappy person to a lot of people, and I want that to change.

First and foremost, I want to forgive myself for letting go of who I am and becoming who I never wanted to be. Second, I hope that those who I have wronged will forgive me. There are no excuses to be had, I have been horrible and it's not ok. I have been selfish, hypocritical, and anti-social... among other things that people might say. It's not what others think about me that bother me... it's the fact that this is true, and I need to change that.

I have an amazing husband who would move far away to get a job, so that he can make a difference for our future. I have taken that for granted. I took every piece of it and shredded it apart... to make the worst out of it. I never gave up, I just became overly pessimistic and angry. Mostly because I was terrified as to what has been going on. Certain circumstances as to where I was going to end up. No excuse can make up for what I've done or what I've said, I just hope that it can stay in the past, and we can move forward. I want to leave the past where it is and focus on now, today. I hope you can understand that.

As for my friends... I feel like I have let you all down is some way. I don't call or text very often, I wish I could visit more often too. The hard part for me is that... I find out things from other people instead of from the person. I blame myself for not reaching out enough, to find things out myself. I know people are busy with jobs, new kids, new places, and they don't have a lot of time to spend online or on the phone... but I want to find a way to reconnect, even if I have to handwrite letters and send them by snail mail. I need to be better at communicating with my friends.

During a conversation last night, with one of my dearest friends, I have come to realize a lot of things that I need to work on. Starting with my New Year's Resolution, loving myself more. I have accepted myself for who I am on the outside, but not so much of who I am on the inside. A few things need to change, so that I know I can love myself again. Then, I have also realized that I am really hard on myself for things that I cannot control. I really need to cut myself a break, sit back, and take a long look at the accomplishments I have made, rather than the things I haven't done. I also want the optimism, the positivity, and the confidence back in my life. No promises, but change takes time... and with time, one step, one deep breath.

Thank you to those who have stuck by me... in my dark times, my weird moments, my crazy ideas, and my insane mood swings. I appreciate each and every one of you.