I Won't Wait Forever

I've always talked about starting over, changing my life. The hard part was not knowing where to start. Taking that first step, but not knowing what direction. I'm fed up with wanting this thing to happen, just want it to start already. So, I am stuck in this situation I don't want to be in anymore. It is toxic.

Words to describe my life. A little mixed between the greatness and the darkness:

• Anguish
• Depressing
• Lonely
• Deteriorating
• Infuriating
• Lost
• Frustrating
• Anxious
• Crying
• Trying
• Surviving
• Weakness
• Strength
• Laughing
• Living
• Crushed
• Brokenhearted
• Drowning
• Beginning
• Stuck
• Breathless
• Struggling
• Controlled
• Too trusting
• Played
• Manipulated
• Lied to
• Aching

Probably a bit more darkness in that list, but it's what comes to mind at the moment. I am in a place where the frustration within me needs to be set free. Writing does that for me. "Talking" about it helps, but it doesn't solve anything. 

I am officially deactivating my Facebook account for awhile. I am sick of feeling "addicted" to it. Having to check it every so often, can't step away from it. Yes, I have an addictive personality and I am trying to work on that as well. Need to find a healthy way of living this life without the obsession of the "things" around me. I am not materialistic in any way. Once, someone told me that I wouldn't be happy with a $100 bill even if it was crispy and brand new. Well, I hate money... so of course that statement is true. BUT, the point here is that I am not happy. Though at the same time, I am. I just need to prove to MYSELF, that I don't need someone or something else to rely on. I have someone in my life that relies on me, and I need to be there for him. 

I spend too much time thinking about someone else, and things that will never happen. Someone who walked out on me. Out on us. Wants nothing to do with us. Yes, I am finally able to say it... even if I am near tears. What else is there to believe... when proof enough is that it's been almost 2 years. Communication is almost non-existent. Not my fault. 

If you don't believe in me, then what makes me think that I can believe in you. They call it faith. I call it reality. The past no longer is the reason either. It's what you do now that makes me question everything.

If it's not true, prove me wrong. Actions speak louder than words. Even words would speak louder than the silence. PROVE ME WRONG, and I will change my attitude towards this whole thing. I won't wait forever.

Peaceful Chaos (Poem)

Thunderstorm collides with the raging sea,
a force like no other, capturing such beauty.
At one time it was peaceful
almost like glass, strong and still.

Such chaos from the storm,
shattering the stillness.
Ripples turned into waves,
soft whispers turned into loud crashes.

Lightning striking the waters below,
taking any survivors to the depths.
Thrashing what little hope remained,
for those struggling to hang on.

As quickly as it had started,
just like that, gone in a blink of an eye.
The storm was over,
stillness and peace restored.

But What Do I Know?

I am so tired of walking on eggshells in every relationship I am in. Watching what I say, constantly, to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. Knowing that what I'm feeling and what I'm hearing are two different things. But one thing I know for sure, I'm sick of being lied it. Honesty went out with chivalry, to me it no longer exists.

Many things that make two different things. For one, finding something to talk about vs. talking about something that interests the listener. There are a million and one things to talk about, but knowing which ones to talk about can be a bit mind boggling. Someone might like talking about movies and books, but the other person is more interested in science and technology. Either way, conversation should be a two-way street. Willingness to listen, and being capable of sparking conversation no matter how "boring" it may seem. Acknowledge what the conversation is and build from it. Just try.

There are a lot of things that I would love to talk about. Are you willing to listen to them, not to pretend you're interested, but to actually make conversation about it? I am always willing to listen to what others have to say. I also love a great chance to have a debate about certain topics. If I don't know about something, I will most likely research it. Doesn't have to be something that I particularly like or it could be something that I may like later on. I'm open minded to every idea. I don't necessarily have to agree with you, but I'll do my research first.

I've talked a lot about communication, and how it is the key to our survival. It takes two or more to make some kind of communication to get started. There has to be a want on both sides, otherwise the other feels left high and dry. Then it trickles down to feeling uninteresting, boring, or just plain stupid. Dumb enough to wonder why they even choose to speak at all. Closing themselves off to the world, thinking that they should just shut up forever.

But what do I know, I'm just a stay at home mom with a high school education and no life experience. Who has never wanted anything more...

Heavy With Guilt (Poem)

What is this feeling, swirling
deep below the darkness?
Stirring, somewhere beyond the cold.
More than hope, stronger than that.

So used to feeling dead inside,
this feels new and different.
Somewhat refreshing to be able
to acknowledge life from within.

Remaining optimistic as this feeling
swells, growing stronger everyday.
Feeling lighter, as if the weight is being
lifted, taken away, gradually.

Careful not to take it all back,
the weight that crushed these shoulders.
Unbearably heavy with guilt,
slowly starts to fade away.

I Still Love You (Poem)

My heart,
it does not bleed for you.
My soul,
it does not belong to you.

My tears,
no longer fall for you.
My words,
they are not meant for you.

My life,
is not to be manipulated.
My heart,
it is not to be played with.

My love for you,
remains the same.
Regardless of what has happened,
or what you've put me through.

Sometimes It Just Doesn't Matter

It just doesn't matter, I mean, why should it?

You feel sad, and you want to talk to your friends about it... "Drama Queen" "Get over yourself" "Move On"

What if something happened to me, and I was no longer here... would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone miss me? I guess it wouldn't matter...

But it does matter, to me. I'm still here, yet I feel so alone.

"the world is not out to get you..." Of course it isn't, never thought it was.

Why I even write these blogs anymore... people "read" them, but never have anything to say.

You listen, to listen.
You listen, and reply.
You listen, and just be there.

Create an ally through your listening. Some day, you will need someone to listen to you.

Don't pretend to listen, and act like you were there... because you weren't. Blank eyes, crappy responses. Robotic, unsympathetic, no empathy at all. You will never understand.

Depression is not selfish, you don't just think about yourself. You think about the ones you want to talk to, share with, compare notes with... but then you think, "I don't want to bother them with my problems, when they have problems of their own." Therefore, thinking about them and their problems... feeling guilty for even wanting to mention anything going on with yourself.

So, right now... It just doesn't matter.

FUCK IT.

When It Comes To This Life (Poem)

Breaking these chains wrapped around this heart,
it wasn't turned to stone, or as cold as ice.
Being tied down, held back, stuck in time
where nothing was moving, or happening.

It's a wonder why the past stayed so close,
it was still there, lingering around as guilt.
Trying to let it go, but it still hung on
long enough to make someone go crazy.

This fear of losing you, hurting you,
never should have been there.
You can't lose something, or hurt someone
when they were never there in the first place.

Never should one feel guilty for speaking the truth,
for doing the right thing, when it comes to this life.
One's life should never be put aside, or on hold,
just to let someone else have all of the power.

Old Pair of Shoes

Read a post this morning and it goes well with the quote I posted this morning.

First quote:

"I may not be someone's first choice, but I'm a great choice. I may not be rich, but I'm valuable. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don't need to be. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away!" - Unknown

Friend's Post:

"If it's going to be hard for you to choose between me and someone else, just choose the other person because I am not an option."

I don't understand why people think it's ok to treat others like a pair of shoes. Decide one day that your are wearable, then find a new pair tomorrow. We are not shoes, we should not be treated as such. Would you want to be treated like an old pair of shoes? Something someone can go back to when all else fails?

When you make a commitment to something or someone, stick with it. Otherwise, decide ahead of time that you don't want to commit to anything until you've done some growing up. 

Until We Meet Again (Poem)

Shadows dancing in the moonlight,
starless sky, a dull darkness.
The moon, full and bright
its radiance caresses the earth.

Bathing in the essence,
only asking to always shine
even through the darkness,
until we meet again.

Looking at the moon,
watching her every move.
Never feeling completely alone,
knowingly sharing her light.

A cool breeze blows.
Clouds try to cover her beauty,
but she only glows brighter.
Dawn will come soon,
until we meet again. -km

This Fight Is Different

I am not quitting this fight, I will continue to fight no matter what. In the past, I would've given into this weakness, I would have given up. I don't want that weakness anymore. For life, for love, I will continue to fight. Not taking the easy way out, not running away, but to stay strong, brave, and true. I fight for what I want, til my last breath I promise you, to fight forever.

When things got rough, it was easy to run the other way. All that has caused me to do, is to constantly look back. I don't want to look back anymore, because I know there is a better and brighter future. Together. Solitary, life at its greatest point, but long enough it's waited to become more. Missing something greater, not necessarily making one better or worse, disconnected from the puzzle.

Stronger than ever, but I am still me. Head is on straight, heart not made of stone or ice. Optimism in the soul, reality at hand. Nothing to prove, nothing to gain from fighting to win. This fight is different. It is not war, or battle to be won. Nor a competition or race to the finish. This fight is not just for love, for life, or for whatever it is worth fighting for. It is so much more than that.

Clear as day, not a cloud to sway the mind in a different direction. Standing tall and true, tested, tried, and defeated. Dirty, but destined to not stay on the ground and weep. Defeated, but for true victory... to rise above and to continue forth, that is what I plan to do.

I won't give up.