Stepping Away

How do you step away from negativity? When you are surrounded by it, with nowhere to go. Anything you say is wrong, everything you do will never be good enough. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to know how to block it out, move past the harsh words, and not let it get to me. These people, they know exactly what to say... it not only gets under your skin, it becomes that voice in the back of your head. The one I fight all the time, telling myself that I am better than that.

I no longer want to live my family's motto, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". Gratitude goes a long way, being thankful for what you have and not resentful for what you never had. Stepping away from that bubble of darkness and loneliness. I have my strong points, but when it becomes a repetitive cycle... it eats away at your soul, your subconsciousness, always fighting to remember the better things.

There will always be people in your life, you are never completely alone. At least it is what I like to believe. There are people who lift you up, there are people who bring you down, and there are people who are just there. Most of the time, the people you are closest to will have your back, or they will stab you in the back. Some people even know how to help you, and then make you feel like a piece of shit. How do you not let that get to you?

Then there are the ones, who you never talk to... who start spreading rumors based off of something they concluded on their own. It is tiring to have to explain yourself, even when you never did anything wrong. The pointing of the fingers, the deception, and the things people say just to stir up problems... THAT NEVER EXISTED.

Either way, I am tired of fighting this feeling. People telling you that you are not a good mother, that you are not fit to be a mother, that you will never accomplish anything in life, that you were a mistake, a regret, they blame you for everything that went wrong in their life, and that it's your fault for not trying. Feeling manipulated is not a way of life. Always trying to figure out someone else's angle because there is usually a reason behind something. Not because you are paranoid, but because it's happened before.

Enough is enough. I'm stepping away. Not giving up, just not giving in either. It may seem like I am angry, but all I am really trying to do... is understand, because right now... I don't. I am far from perfect and I don't expect others to be. I am just lost in the idea of what love, trust, and family really are.

Hiding Behind The Mask (poem)

My reflection,
who I see and who I am are different.
Fear that it will never show
who I am on the inside.

What do people see?
Does it really matter?
Why do they judge me?
Should it not matter?

So much love to share with the world,
despite how upside my world is right now.
Feeling forgotten with time,
why am I so forgettable?

Reaching out to my reflection,
the image starts to ripple.
Perspective changes,
what I see is just a mask...

Hiding behind, in fear of being seen again.

A Different Kind of Feeling

Last week, I started using an app called C25k to help get me running again. It is a great training app that does intervals of running and walking, with a warm-up and cool down. A voice guides you along, letting you know when to walk, run, jog, warm up, cool down, lets you know when you are half way through, and when you complete the workout. It really has motivated me to get off my butt and get moving again.

My major goal right now, is to live long enough to see the world a little longer than predicted. Running will help me achieve that goal. What's great about it? It not only gets me motivated, my son wants to keep me going too! I found a way to show him that you can do anything, as long as you believe. To never give up, no matter how hard it gets.  Plus, it always helps to have someone cheering you on!

Along with my running, I have noticed a difference in my food habits. Yes, there are a couple times where I just want the worst thing for me (Oreos). Overall, I just want better things to eat so I don't lose that good feeling I get after a good run. Finally getting the chance to slowly wean off of processed foods. The last two times I have gotten fast food, they have made me sick. I am craving leafy greens, healthy fruits, other kinds of vegetables, incorporating more nuts (haha) into my lifestyle, and it feels great!

I will be honest, I was a blubbering mess this morning... did not want to get out of bed, but I did it. I put my shoes and socks on, started my running playlist, and walked outside. Thirty minutes later, I was alive, my head was clearer than when I started, and I knew that I didn't give up. I have completed 2 weeks of training with this app, and let me tell you, it is getting easier. The pain isn't as overwhelming anymore. I am also researching tips on breathing and shin splint prevention, looking up different types of shoes, body forms that really help prevent injury, and finding songs that better fit my tempo. Biggest accomplishment? Telling that little nagging voice in my head, that tells me that I can't do it, to SHUT UP! I know I can do this and I will. Its only 3 days a week for 30 minutes each day, I can't complain! Well, actually I can... there are days when I want to do another 30 minute program!! Now that is just amazing!

When I run, it is a different kind of feeling. I thought that driving would be the ultimate feeling of freedom, but for me, it no longer is. Running is one thing in life that I have always loved doing, but held back because of my weight. Not any more. I am going to take it easy so I don't hurt myself, but I am going to continue this endeavor until I have reached my goal. I will complete a 5k in my lifetime!

Pescetarian and Proud

Six months ago, I made a lifestyle change. I chose to give up meat. I knew that I had a hard time digesting meats, especially red meats. So, I knew that I had to make a change in my way of eating, in order to feel better. Not to only feel better when I ate, but to feel better about myself too. Eventually, my goal is to be a vegetarian, but right now, I love fish, shrimp, and sushi! I don't feel horrible after eating those things, my stomach doesn't disagree entirely with them. But I am happy that I have incorporated more fruits and veggies into my life, and soon I will be lessening the amount of processed foods as well.

For me, this isn't just some "special diet", as some may call it. Some people were very supportive, and some... not so much or even at all. Saying that I wouldn't stick with it, or last long with this "diet". Let me explain something. This was NOT a DIET. This is what you call a lifestyle change. Why? Because life is worth living for a lot longer than predicted. But here's the thing, not everyone is cut out for a different lifestyle. Everybody's body reacts differently to all kinds of things. I should be able to change my habits, for the betterment of myself.

Have I ever craved a big juicy burger, or a big piece of steak, or the popular item of bacon that is on everything? Yah, sure I have, but it isn't worth the health risks to enjoy those things. I remind myself that what I am doing is worth it, and I move on. It's not worth getting sick over.

Of course, I ended up in the hospital after having dinner at a Mexican restaurant... but here is the kicker, I also had ice cream right after at Cold Stone Creamery. Love their ice cream, but not worth it anymore. All the fat and grease from the food I ate, solidified by ice cream (chocolate, fudge, and brownies)... what a disaster I put myself in. One of those nights that I had let myself go and ate too much crap. Nobody wants a trip to the hospital to be a reminder as to why we want to live differently. Don't wait until that point.

Among other things, I also gave up soda and alcohol. Have I had a soda since then? Of course. I have had a couple in the last 5 months. Despite being surrounded with so many great sodas, it also is not worth the health risk. I don't mind a ginger ale every once in a while, or a sip of rootbeer. Or if I hadn't had my caffiene that day, then Pepsi was the way to go. It doesn't happen a lot, I think I have only had 1 20oz soda since I gave it up.

Alcohol, also because of the health risks that go along with it. It was great getting drunk, or drinking for a buzz, but it was also getting out of hand. So, I stopped drinking and it helped to give up soda because I loved Rum and Coke. I have had maybe 2 drinks since then, but it was a Strawberrita (sp) and a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Woo. I am just better off without it.

I haven't lost much weight since giving these things up, but I've noticed a change in the way I feel. More energy, more focused, I don't get sick as often as I used to. The hardest decision I have to make, is what kind of food to eat when I go out. If I go to the right places, it's not so difficult. The worst part about loving pizza, was loving to eat it with a soda. And what about Rootbeer Floats, huh? Who doesn't love those?

I would rather die happy knowing that I was able to live a longer life, just by choosing a different habit. I love food, but not enough to die for it.

Building New Walls... Tearing Down Old Ones

Thank you again to those still following my blog. I know that my emotions have been all over the place, but I am making huge changes in my life. Thank you for sticking with me through my roller coaster of life.

I know that I say that I am going to make things happen, I make promises to change certain things, but I am human. I say things during a high time and a low time... sometimes things will level out and not seem so bad. I have been neglecting certain aspects of my life, but only to make sure the important ones are taken care of first.

I will soon post an update on Thomas and myself, just need to find a little extra time to put everything down. So far, things are going well and progressing to even better things. I am very optimistic about things to come. Right now, I am focusing on today and only today. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not last year... and so on. Sometimes I have flashbacks, or memories pop up during a song... but I do not dwell on them as long as I used to.

One thing for sure though, is that I am tired of fighting. Hanging on by the fingertips can be overwhelmingly depressing and discouraging. I am not letting go, just moving forward. Grabbing life with both hands and just keep climbing. I will get to the top, I will succeed, and I will not do it for anyone but myself. This is something that needs to be done. I am tired of feeling, stuck.

I love you all and thank you again for your love and support for as long as we've known each other!

Glorified Journal Gone Wrong

I come to write in my blog, with hopes that someone will read it. With hope in finding someone who is or was going through something similar. Looking for feedback of some kind.

I have an addiction to Facebook. I know I do. Some nights I stay up, just to check and see what's going on on Facebook. I crave human interaction, but stuck with social media. I feel trapped where I am, and I don't know how to get out.

I need a car, but I don't have that kind of money. Finding someone willing to take payments, is even harder than trying to apply for loans. Finally got my license, and for what? To expire in my wallet.

I'm tired of living with someone who believes that I am a monster. Of living in fear of what's going to happen next. Anything I try to do, is and never will be good enough. I was told that I was a horrible mother and that I'm not trying at all. Seriously? I am busting my ass while letting myself go because he comes first. I am not crazy, I know someone is telling my child horrible things. Some of the things he says are not something a child would ever come up with on their own. It pisses me off because it is undoing the good things I'm trying to incorporate into his life. He is Autistic with ADHD, you can't tell him something and not expect it to come back out.

The one thing I hate most, is liars. Ones who say one thing, but never follow through. Not only does it make you a liar, but it makes you a hypocrite. I'm not perfect, but at least I'm honest about things. Just don't expect me to say anything, if you never will.

Lots of "I's" in this post, but there is quite a bit needed to be said. What you read and how you interpret it could be two different things. I'm not sorry that I haven't been painting the best picture either. This is my life. A story of where people walk out of my life... and never come back. But I never give up hope that someday they might. I can't sit and dwell on that fact either, because I too have a life to live. I am also not apologizing for other people's actions. If they say something to another person, and that person can't come to me with it... that is on them. So screw you if you think I'm allowing judgement to be passed. I stopped talking about things altogether, just so it would stop the bullshit. Has it? Of course not. People do what they think should be done, without me having any knowledge of it until after (long after) the fact.

I am a new person. I am confident, beautiful, strong, and capable of anything. But I will also be a bitch if you continue to fuck with me. I'm not a goddamned door mat. Also, if I don't believe in something, don't force your beliefs down my throat and convince me that it's for the better. If I came to you with something,  I respect the opinions and feedback given. But to those of you who think they know me better... clearly do not.

You don't know me at all.

This Will Be My Last... (Poem)

You gave up on me.
You gave up on us.
Of course I'm upset,
it's the only thing that I can be.

I don't want to think about it,
let alone write about it,
or not even talk about it,
anymore.

I have every right to feel this way,
I will never trust again.
I blame myself for trusing at all,
I won't make that mistake again.

This will be my last time
I will even say anything
about what's really going on.
C'est La Vie.

Summer Fun

Intent To Ne'er Return (Poem)

It's not my fault,
choices were made.
You walked away,
with intent to ne'er return.

I was so blinded by love,
I couldn't see past the truth.
Now, what do I see?
Someone who can't stand the thought of me.

The worst part is,
I'm not the only one hurting.
It hurts more for me,
having to watch it hurt him, too.

Not sure what to do,
still processing and preparing.
Hoping for strength to keep me going,
staying busy, but not enough to clear my head.

Nothing is Ever Normal

"Someone's normal is someone else's weird, and someone's weird is someone else's normal."

I don't believe in any normalcy. I think the world normal is put in there by society, to make people feel like they aren't normal by certain standards. It sets expectations to either a low bar or a high bar. Too high, that one may never be happy with anything because it is all too disappointing. Or so low, that one may settle for what they think will the best at that moment. Either way, both parties end up disappointed.

It's almost as if society wants people to self-sabotage because you are going to be too good, or not so great.

It is how you perceive the message the world gives you. Your attitude can determine if the glass if half full or half empty. If life is full or if there isn't enough. However you fill your cup, will it be enough? Or are you satisfied with what you have, even when you might want more? If you believe that the glass is half empty, what are you doing to fill that "void"? But if that glass is half full, would you be trying to fill a void that isn't there?

Maybe to some, I could just be rambling on about nothing. Then to others, maybe help them in a direction that they never thought of. I am merely making discoveries on my own, that may or may not help others... but they are something that could be working for me, or something that simply needs to be tried in a different way. These words come to mind, when I see things in a different way:

• Personal Growth
• Change
• Positivity
• Trial and Error
• Mistakes
• Chances
• Opportunity
• No regrets
• Discovery

Whether you see things spiritually, materialistically, physically, emotionally, or whatever form fits for you. You can find that happiness from within. Believe in yourself and know that you are capable of anything, as long as you put your mind to it. If you are in a position where you think you can't do anything, try to remove yourself from that situation. NOTHING or NO ONE can hold you back but yourself. So, don't sit there and try to blame someone else for your situation. Life is in your hands, it is up to you what you want to do with it.