The Value of an Apology

What is your view/opinion/etc about Apologies? Do you think they are effective? Do you believe that they should mean something? Will you teach children the value of it and follow those values as well?

From the beginning of time, children have been taught to apologize for hurting someone else. They are taught to accept those apologies when they feel the time is right. Most children bounce back and accept it right away, maybe some will take a moment to think about it, and rarely some take more than a day to respond. Children apologize to their friends, schoolmates, siblings, and even apologize to their parents. As adults, do we accept that apology wholeheartedly or we just acknowledge the fact that they "have" to say it?

I understand that things will never be the same after having to apologize for something, but it takes strength for people to say they are sorry. Admitting that they did something to hurt someone, admitting that they acted wrongfully... and willingly stood up, took a chance, and apologized. It takes greater strength to accept an apology, to show someone that you can move passed certain things.

The only difference is that I believe an apology should come from both parties. Not just one, always feeling like they have to apologize to the other... Nobody is perfect, why should the one doing the forgiving... be the only one to forgive?

Now I come back around. People teach their children to apologize, but in turn don't apologize or believe in the apology at all. Hypocrisy at its best. Don't teach your child values that you don't believe in. I fully believe in apologies, I think that they do some good in teaching how to move forward instead of dwelling on one thing. Yes, it changes things... but nothing really ever stays the same? We grow, we learn, we move on.

Degradation

Just for the past 8 years, my life has had its ups and downs. Like everyone else, I got through them and moved on. One thing that bothers me to this day is how little people have made me feel. Now, I know that people shouldn't affect me that way... but if you know me by now, some people have that affect on me and I still can't figure out why. The worse thing that people could do is degrade and belittle you... but what makes it 10x worse then that? Doing it in front of your child for so long that he starts to do it too.

Ever since my son was born, our relationship has been compromised. I spent so much time working, that he had to spend a lot of time with other family members. They now claim that they are more like a parent to him, and some of them say that to me while he is in the room. We move away and I go right back to working, not getting the chance to really spend time with my son. At this point, I just wanted to be a mom and nothing else... but I had to keep working.

Not everyone knows what goes on behind close doors and believes that everything is just sunshine and freaking rainbows. I post a lot of my anger online because it is the only way to get it out, without regret. Life is not perfect, life is hard. BUT you know what? I AM STILL HERE. I've seen people go out by taking their own life, there are many ways to do it... I have been so depressed, down to the point of suicidal, but deep down I knew, I KNEW, that there was more to life than just sadness, darkness, and loneliness..

I have found joy in being a mother to a child who is beautiful, smart, creative, active, sweet, talented, and full of life. I know that most days he has really great moments, the ones that make you smile and feel like you did something right. The moments that you treasure forever in your memories and share them with others. When he remembers to use his manners, or does something nice without having to be asked, or just says "Mom, I love you" and not have any strings attached to it. When he runs up to give you a big hug because he missed you.

When things seem so right, all hell breaks loose and when it breaks... it shatters. Arguments start and words are flying, hurtful, painful words that can never really be taken back. Most people say, "Oh, he doesn't mean it. He is just angry and upset and he loves you." Most people I hear that... aren't parents themselves. As a mother, I have to say that either way, it still freakin' hurts when your kids yells at you saying horrible things. "I don't love you, I don't need you, so-and-so loves me more, I hate you, you are not my mother...." and more. You can't compare that to any other type of relationship because being a mother is forever.

No matter what, I will love my child more than anyone else on this planet... and every day I will make things right between him and me. Tired of people letting him think that I am not good enough to be his mother. Just like ANY mother, I try my damned hardest to make everything work. I have NEVER left him behind, nor will I EVER! So WHY should I be the one to feel this way? I won't say NEVER AGAIN, but I know that will not be true. BUT I am so sick of being mistreated, tossed aside, thrown away, and replaced like I was nothing but a pair of old shoes.

The Darkness of Rock Bottom

Fear, it is such a driving force. It can be overwhelming at times, but not in the times when needed. Maybe that is just it, it is only at the times when you don't think you need it. One moment, you go from one thought to the thought that could change everything. Then you go from that thought, get lost in the adrenaline rush, and then come crashing down.

How can you have a fear of living on the edge, when you've never really lived? Feeling trapped, imprisoned, with nowhere to go. You can only blame yourself... but really, can you? You feel as though you've tried so hard, and it only comes across as nothing had been done at all. Screw what other people think about it, but then, there is that fear again. Fear of rejection, of never being good enough, and NOT knowing why. You tried your hardest... but really, did you?

These chains keeping you nailed to the ground, they can be broken. Don't spend so much time trying to figure out how you got here. Spend more time on how to get out of that situation, your life is depending on it. Too much time spent thinking, can either lead to more trouble or it can get you out of it. Courage, strength, and the ability to stay calm can really help with this process. Just wish patience was a little easier to come by.

Struggling makes you feel alive. REALLY? Suffering is a sign that good things are coming. REALLY? There is only so much struggling and suffering a person can take. Soon, it turns into anger, rage, and hatred. A once solid, pure heart of gold, turned to stone because of this bitterness. The darkness of rock bottom is consuming, not because you let it but because when all you've seen is darkness it becomes you. Then, you are supposed to learn how to live a life of light. It's ok to have some down times or sadness, but not excessive. Mostly because the other person doesn't want that. Well, did anyone ever think that maybe they should help that person? Rather than to make them feel worse than they already do. It's not the other person's responsibility to make the sun shine, but just recognizing that darkness is a factor would be helpful in itself.

I am not always a pessimist, I don't always see or feel darkness, but it is there. Fear of Failure. For always being a failure and never knowing when something wasn't a failure. Even when good happens, I don't know how to embrace it. As soon as something good comes along, I enjoy it for a brief moment and for some UNGODLY reason, someone else's opinion MATTERS. Some examples:

I graduated high school! Awesome... for a second. "You barely graduated."
I gave birth to an amazing little boy! Amazing, nothing tops the feeling of greatness until "There is something wrong with him."
I got married! The way I wanted to, with the people I wanted to share it with until... "It'll never last."

I know that I still treasure those moments, close to my heart... but there is that nagging feeling. You might know the one... the one that gnaws at your very soul, your chest hurts, your breathing becomes shallow because of the pain. Your entire body tenses up, you head is spinning with thoughts... THEN you wake up, feel your body become this weighted emptiness. You slowly take deeper breaths, your body starts to relax, your mind regains focus and clarity. The gnawing feeling becomes a dull pain because it never really goes away. Some days are better than others, and I try to focus on the greatness.

Sorry for my darkness, but it is a part of me. One day it won't be the part that completely takes over. For now, I take life one day at a time. No more talk of the future, because tomorrow is never guaranteed. No more dwelling on the past because all it is, is darkness waiting to consume my soul. My focus is allowing myself to feel the good. Even though I am surrounded by people who constantly tear me down, I must rise above that and become my own person again. One day I will completely live my life for myself and no one else.

Forgive Me

So, I know that I have made a lot of empty promises to do something different. It seems like once I get something started, I never finish it. This time I don't want to make any promises because things happen, and I can't control every situation that comes along. I want to put the focus back where it counts, on me. I feel that I have been lacking as a person, and I need to get back in touch with who I am. I have been a crappy person to a lot of people, and I want that to change.

First and foremost, I want to forgive myself for letting go of who I am and becoming who I never wanted to be. Second, I hope that those who I have wronged will forgive me. There are no excuses to be had, I have been horrible and it's not ok. I have been selfish, hypocritical, and anti-social... among other things that people might say. It's not what others think about me that bother me... it's the fact that this is true, and I need to change that.

I have an amazing husband who would move far away to get a job, so that he can make a difference for our future. I have taken that for granted. I took every piece of it and shredded it apart... to make the worst out of it. I never gave up, I just became overly pessimistic and angry. Mostly because I was terrified as to what has been going on. Certain circumstances as to where I was going to end up. No excuse can make up for what I've done or what I've said, I just hope that it can stay in the past, and we can move forward. I want to leave the past where it is and focus on now, today. I hope you can understand that.

As for my friends... I feel like I have let you all down is some way. I don't call or text very often, I wish I could visit more often too. The hard part for me is that... I find out things from other people instead of from the person. I blame myself for not reaching out enough, to find things out myself. I know people are busy with jobs, new kids, new places, and they don't have a lot of time to spend online or on the phone... but I want to find a way to reconnect, even if I have to handwrite letters and send them by snail mail. I need to be better at communicating with my friends.

During a conversation last night, with one of my dearest friends, I have come to realize a lot of things that I need to work on. Starting with my New Year's Resolution, loving myself more. I have accepted myself for who I am on the outside, but not so much of who I am on the inside. A few things need to change, so that I know I can love myself again. Then, I have also realized that I am really hard on myself for things that I cannot control. I really need to cut myself a break, sit back, and take a long look at the accomplishments I have made, rather than the things I haven't done. I also want the optimism, the positivity, and the confidence back in my life. No promises, but change takes time... and with time, one step, one deep breath.

Thank you to those who have stuck by me... in my dark times, my weird moments, my crazy ideas, and my insane mood swings. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Update on the Family

So now that is June 2013 and I have not written a new post, time to catch everything up. It has been a crazy 7 months since my last post, a lot has changed since then. I will touch basis with Thomas, Corey, myself, as well as possible future plans in the making. I'm kinda hoping that if I put it out there, that something will happen soon for us. So here it goes.

Thomas has had an amazing year in First Grade, he has come a long way since he started public school. At the last IEP meeting, we went over how much he knows and how much more he needs to learn. At the moment, he knows over 200 words ranging from K-2nd grade. He can count to 100 with little problems. His math skills are improving drastically and with a little more practice, I think he will be excel in math. His art projects finally came home yesterday, they are all amazing! I should take pictures and share them with you! Not sure about science at school but I know that he loves to watch shows on Netflix that involve certain types of science. I would love to get him interested in the science shows from Discovery or even the Disney Earth movies. I think he would enjoy volcanoes, ocean life, and astronomy. At school, he enjoys PE which is great because it keeps him moving and it helps him relax.

As for things at home, we are still having issues with certain tantrums but I like to think that things are a lot less hectic than they were 6 months ago. Potty training is still ongoing but I am willing to go as long as it takes until he can get it on his own. Encopresis is a serious issue for children with ADHD and sometimes it is missed because everyone thinks it's only a behavioral issue. Anyways, I bought him a cushy seat that fits on the toilet that has handles. He also has a step stool so he doesn't get scared about falling in. I started with once a day he will sit and try and then I will try to move it to 3 times a day and so on. I told him that he needs to listen to his body, so that he can recognize when he needs to go. Which seems to be working for him. As for supplements he takes instead of medication: Vitamin D3, MegaRed Krill Oil (for omega 3s), Probiotics, Fiber supplements, and a fish oil gummy. He takes those twice a day, once in the morning and again in the afternoon. He also takes Melatonin (3mg) for bed time to help him sleep. Other than that, he seems to be improving. He just misses his father.

August 2012, Corey moved to Oregon to find work and to complete the process of getting into the Navy. It is still in the process and waiting for the OSVet (sp?) waiver to be approved. Still unsure about how much longer that will take. Corey is doing well and we will hopefully be reunited once again soon.

As for myself, it is official that I am an emotional wreck. It has been 10 months since he left and I still can't seem to keep it together. There are days where I will be great and I get a lot accomplished. Then there are days where I find myself not wanting to get out of bed. I've come a long way though, I have made improvements with myself and I continue to do so. I need to try harder to lose weight but in the last 10 months I have lost 15 lbs.  I walk about 2.5 miles a day at least 5 days out of the week. I will be starting an at home workout that involves more walking. I plan on getting a pedometer so I can track how many steps I take in a day. One day, I would love to reach 10,000 steps. Right now, I am looking for work and a place to live. I am moving out of my current place, for personal reasons. Planning on moving up to Portland area but still in the process of saving money and waiting for Corey to help out.

I am not doing anything special right now, just taking care of things on the home-front. Two new kitties, Oreo (who belongs to Allison) he is black and white and totally cute! Katniss (mine) she is grey and white, fluffy and really fun. I have both of them for right now and then depending on how things go... they will probably go truck driving with Chris and Allison. For now, I am living in my bedroom with Thomas until we get everything into storage. Thomas's last day of school is this month, so I am hoping that we'll have somewhere to go after that.

We are all doing well and looking forward to a brighter future. Soon things will work out and we just have to take it one day at a time. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog :)

Stay Awake With Me (Poem)

Even though your body aches with exhaustion,
you find it difficult to completely shut off.
Hearing the most comforting sounds
even keeps you awake and wanting for more.

The want for sweeter dreams,
as the soul grows weary.
The human form collapses, feeling weak
slowly draining the life from it.

Why does one have to require so much sleep,
when there are so many things to do or see?

There is so much life to live and yet,
you spend most of it with your eyes closed.

Katie Moon 8/18/12

Super Crazy

Well, Corey left for Portland on Monday and arrived on Tuesday after needing many stops to let the car rest.  I cried pretty hard after he left and then I was fine until I talked to him over skype Thursday night.  We haven't been away from each other in the last three years we've been back together.

Of course, he nailed the interview on Wednesday and will start work on Tuesday.  Working as a customer service rep for a small company on a contract with a large cell phone company. I know he will do really well, especially with his experience with Stream.  This is only the beginning to a long journey of getting back to Portland before he joins with the Navy.  From then on, crossing fingers, we should be financially ready for most anything.  We are ready.

I am back on the lifestyle change right now, focusing on weight loss before going up to Portland.  So far, I haven't really weighed myself but I know that I am a lot more active than I was before.  Thomas gets picked up in the morning for school, so I spend the first hour getting him ready.  Then, I am working on checking things off of my To Do lists I write up every night, of things I need to get done. I stay pretty busy with things that I do, otherwise I just find myself depressed and wanting to just curl up in my bed and cry.  I haven't been this sore in a long time, even when I started the PE classes at Columbia. I am trying to eat healthier but slowly getting into it and not rushing into taking a strict approach so I don't feel deprived of something. I'm hoping to see some progress soon.

Anyways, this is my way of doing something important.  Working with Thomas has been a really tough situation but I am trying to make things work.  I am going to focus on myself, work on some new goals, But for now I must get some sleep. Goodnight.

Katie

Paint Your Own Picture (Poem)

Don't think, just paint
On the canvas of life.
As if it were a goal you set
For what you want your life
To look like in the end.

You choose the colors,
choose where to shade or lighten.
choose the shapes and sizes.
choose a figure that represents
Something you will believe in.

It's a large piece of work that
will take time and patience to complete.
As long as in the end
its what you've always imagined it to be.

5/28/2010

Here, I Stand Alone (Poem)

Never in my life have I ever felt so alone... so empty inside
Feeling like I've failed at everything,
still never going to be enough for anyone... not even myself.
Hoping that for once my heart won't feel so heavy.

No one supports me or any of my ideas,
I can't even support myself... so is that why?
Why do I even try to get people to like what I do?
It shouldn't even matter and yet is does.

I hate these days when I feel alone,
like no one really cares.
They say they care but at times I hear the emptiness
their words are meaningless to satisfy their attention.

It drives me to insanity,
I'm surprised I have any left at this point.
Guess I'll just be done with it then
'Cause obviously, its broken.

Listening to the Rain

It's 3am on a Thursday morning and I cannot sleep for the life of me.  So much running through my little brain, so much going on and I can't hang on to it for much longer.  Corey will be getting up to go to work in an hour and I hope to get some sleep before than.  But for now, I think I will just write what is on my mind.

As I sit here in the dark, listening to the rain as it falls through the trees I feel so at home.  Each drop, telling its own story as it lands on the earth below.  Making one straight trip down, or maybe hitting some things on the way there.  Leaving behind something of itself, to leave its mark on where it lands.  Like a little reminder of where it's been even though it won't ever make it back.  As the rain continues to fall, so will pieces of what is left behind.  To serve as little memories of where its been, reconnecting at the bottom, though some are left to connect with new stories.

The rain starts to fade and all you can hear are the distant drops from the leaves of trees.  A nearby stream, flowing with new stories to tell, to carry along with it.  Not knowing who or where the story will come to next but that it will continue forward.  The breeze rustling through the trees, freeing some of the rain left behind.  Now all that is left to hear are the crickets and frogs, telling their stories to one another.  Sweet music.  Time to rest.