Degradation

Just for the past 8 years, my life has had its ups and downs. Like everyone else, I got through them and moved on. One thing that bothers me to this day is how little people have made me feel. Now, I know that people shouldn't affect me that way... but if you know me by now, some people have that affect on me and I still can't figure out why. The worse thing that people could do is degrade and belittle you... but what makes it 10x worse then that? Doing it in front of your child for so long that he starts to do it too.

Ever since my son was born, our relationship has been compromised. I spent so much time working, that he had to spend a lot of time with other family members. They now claim that they are more like a parent to him, and some of them say that to me while he is in the room. We move away and I go right back to working, not getting the chance to really spend time with my son. At this point, I just wanted to be a mom and nothing else... but I had to keep working.

Not everyone knows what goes on behind close doors and believes that everything is just sunshine and freaking rainbows. I post a lot of my anger online because it is the only way to get it out, without regret. Life is not perfect, life is hard. BUT you know what? I AM STILL HERE. I've seen people go out by taking their own life, there are many ways to do it... I have been so depressed, down to the point of suicidal, but deep down I knew, I KNEW, that there was more to life than just sadness, darkness, and loneliness..

I have found joy in being a mother to a child who is beautiful, smart, creative, active, sweet, talented, and full of life. I know that most days he has really great moments, the ones that make you smile and feel like you did something right. The moments that you treasure forever in your memories and share them with others. When he remembers to use his manners, or does something nice without having to be asked, or just says "Mom, I love you" and not have any strings attached to it. When he runs up to give you a big hug because he missed you.

When things seem so right, all hell breaks loose and when it breaks... it shatters. Arguments start and words are flying, hurtful, painful words that can never really be taken back. Most people say, "Oh, he doesn't mean it. He is just angry and upset and he loves you." Most people I hear that... aren't parents themselves. As a mother, I have to say that either way, it still freakin' hurts when your kids yells at you saying horrible things. "I don't love you, I don't need you, so-and-so loves me more, I hate you, you are not my mother...." and more. You can't compare that to any other type of relationship because being a mother is forever.

No matter what, I will love my child more than anyone else on this planet... and every day I will make things right between him and me. Tired of people letting him think that I am not good enough to be his mother. Just like ANY mother, I try my damned hardest to make everything work. I have NEVER left him behind, nor will I EVER! So WHY should I be the one to feel this way? I won't say NEVER AGAIN, but I know that will not be true. BUT I am so sick of being mistreated, tossed aside, thrown away, and replaced like I was nothing but a pair of old shoes.