I don’t like being played and yet it continues to happen. From the minute I wake up, to the minute I fall asleep, I live in this fear of never truly being loved. Being a part of something, that is supposed to be so grand, and I can’t find anything worth raving about. From family and friends to being married, there isn’t anything more confusing than love.
Family, the one you are born into. It can either be great or it can destroy your very definition of the word Family. Mother, Father, brothers, sisters, and they can live together, never fall apart and be considered the “perfect” family. But what people don’t see is that they might all hate each other. Forced to live with each other, like one another, and doomed to be together.
I am the outcast in my family; you might as well call me the runt of the litter. I guess, since the beginning, I have been the weird and strange one. Doesn’t matter what it is that I like, it will always be weird to them. I am tired of the way that they make me feel, just because of my life choices. It’s my life, why should I be chained down by my choices rather than sailing with them? By the choices that I have made, I am bound by them? NO. Those choices are in the past and they are a continued force in my future, only because I want them to be not because they have to be. People make mistakes, and people’s mistakes are only those because people have made them out to be so. I don’t see my choices as mistakes. Yes, so maybe they were fully planned choices or thought all the way through, but I don’t regret them. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I had any regrets from past choices that I have made. It is time to move on, to move forward. Without the guilt, the pain, and the doubt put there by others.
As for friends, I have had a few. Good or bad, they were or are people that have come into my life for a reason. I don’t like to look at having friends for a purpose. People come and go, and it’s at their own risk. I have learned who to talk to, who to trust, and who to not stay away from but to avoid certain conversations with. I have been inspired, motivated, pressured, hated, surprised, and confused by the word friendship. I am more aware of who to surround myself with, and who to keep at a distance. Trust is a huge issue, always has and probably always will be. You can’t trust everyone, but you can trust the ones who never crossed you. That quote, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”, I don’t agree with that at all. I think if this were true, we’d make more enemies than we would make friends. With that, I treasure the ones who have been kind, I forgive the ones who weren’t, and I decide who gets my trust and who gets my company.
I’ve probably said it before, but I have never felt so used in my entire life. Then again, I have just felt used from the time I started to remember things. To this day, I thought I just had a kind heart. One who felt like helping people, and doing the right thing. I never wanted anything, except friendship and acceptance, in return. I thought it was selfish to want anything else in return. I’ve come to realize that, if you can’t accept yourself for who you are, then why would anyone else?
Acceptance, the last topic for tonight's post. I have accepted myself for who I am, so why am I still looking for acceptance from those around me. People should either love me for who I am or hate me for what they see. I think a large part of what is really wrong, underneath everything else, is the lack of communication. The key to a healthy relationship is having the ability to talk to each other. If you can’t talk to each other, how will you know if something is working or if something needs to be worked on? This will be my topic for the next journal entry. For now, goodnight.
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