Almost A Month Ago

Now that it is the beginning of April and I haven’t done a lot of writing that I've wanted to do, it is time to just get back into the habit of doing so. I am currently involved in a 30-day challenge to reconnect with nature, outdoors, and just being unplugged. I would love to start handwriting again, but I think it would take away from just being connected to nature. As much as I love writing, I need to focus on the inner part of me.

Here’s why. I am falling apart once again, and in dire need of finding myself. I feel like I am in a losing battle of the many decisions/choices needed to be made, in order to get myself to the next step in my life. So much worrying and added stress, it is really starting to weigh me down in more ways than one. Not only is my life affected by it, but my son’s as well. Are everyone else’s choices/decisions at the best interests of my son’s life? Or even my life? I am at this point in my life where I am SICK of other people making decisions/choices for my life. Why does my life have to continue revolving around everyone else’s and not my own? Why am I not the center of my universe? Because people think that I am too weak to be on my own.

From the beginning I have never been alone, why, because NO ONE has given me that chance to be on my own. I've always been surrounded by people, always making my life second to everyone else around me. I don’t regret having a child and never will I ever make that out to be a mistake. I've just never had the chance to ever think about myself and be just for myself. I chose that, it was not forced on me. What else I chose was to be with someone who didn't want to be with just me. I chose to make my life the way it is… but why can I not blame for what has happened to me? I am solely responsible for my life, but the course of my life hasn't been just me.

I am shutting down, shutting out, and letting go. No more influence, no more opinions, comments, or whatever… No more talking to anyone about anything. I am my own person and I will do what I want. There are no consequences for making my life better and the way I want it to be. It just SUCKS that it took me this long to figure it out. I've known what I want to do, I've just always been talked out of doing something because I let myself believe that people knew me better than I did. The only people I need in my life are the ones that support me 100%, no matter what I decided. Love me or hate me, life needs to go on.

I hope, by the next time I post, that I will be a different person. I will be someone who still cares and loves the people in my life, but no longer taking the bull shit thrown at me. This is MY life and no one else’s, and I plan to keep it that way.

I still plan to learn new things, new languages, new research… but on a much smaller scale than what I have been forcing onto myself. One step at a time and I plan to start with my 30 day challenge of being reconnected with nature.