Glorified Journal Gone Wrong

I come to write in my blog, with hopes that someone will read it. With hope in finding someone who is or was going through something similar. Looking for feedback of some kind.

I have an addiction to Facebook. I know I do. Some nights I stay up, just to check and see what's going on on Facebook. I crave human interaction, but stuck with social media. I feel trapped where I am, and I don't know how to get out.

I need a car, but I don't have that kind of money. Finding someone willing to take payments, is even harder than trying to apply for loans. Finally got my license, and for what? To expire in my wallet.

I'm tired of living with someone who believes that I am a monster. Of living in fear of what's going to happen next. Anything I try to do, is and never will be good enough. I was told that I was a horrible mother and that I'm not trying at all. Seriously? I am busting my ass while letting myself go because he comes first. I am not crazy, I know someone is telling my child horrible things. Some of the things he says are not something a child would ever come up with on their own. It pisses me off because it is undoing the good things I'm trying to incorporate into his life. He is Autistic with ADHD, you can't tell him something and not expect it to come back out.

The one thing I hate most, is liars. Ones who say one thing, but never follow through. Not only does it make you a liar, but it makes you a hypocrite. I'm not perfect, but at least I'm honest about things. Just don't expect me to say anything, if you never will.

Lots of "I's" in this post, but there is quite a bit needed to be said. What you read and how you interpret it could be two different things. I'm not sorry that I haven't been painting the best picture either. This is my life. A story of where people walk out of my life... and never come back. But I never give up hope that someday they might. I can't sit and dwell on that fact either, because I too have a life to live. I am also not apologizing for other people's actions. If they say something to another person, and that person can't come to me with it... that is on them. So screw you if you think I'm allowing judgement to be passed. I stopped talking about things altogether, just so it would stop the bullshit. Has it? Of course not. People do what they think should be done, without me having any knowledge of it until after (long after) the fact.

I am a new person. I am confident, beautiful, strong, and capable of anything. But I will also be a bitch if you continue to fuck with me. I'm not a goddamned door mat. Also, if I don't believe in something, don't force your beliefs down my throat and convince me that it's for the better. If I came to you with something,  I respect the opinions and feedback given. But to those of you who think they know me better... clearly do not.

You don't know me at all.

This Will Be My Last... (Poem)

You gave up on me.
You gave up on us.
Of course I'm upset,
it's the only thing that I can be.

I don't want to think about it,
let alone write about it,
or not even talk about it,
anymore.

I have every right to feel this way,
I will never trust again.
I blame myself for trusing at all,
I won't make that mistake again.

This will be my last time
I will even say anything
about what's really going on.
C'est La Vie.

Summer Fun

Intent To Ne'er Return (Poem)

It's not my fault,
choices were made.
You walked away,
with intent to ne'er return.

I was so blinded by love,
I couldn't see past the truth.
Now, what do I see?
Someone who can't stand the thought of me.

The worst part is,
I'm not the only one hurting.
It hurts more for me,
having to watch it hurt him, too.

Not sure what to do,
still processing and preparing.
Hoping for strength to keep me going,
staying busy, but not enough to clear my head.

Nothing is Ever Normal

"Someone's normal is someone else's weird, and someone's weird is someone else's normal."

I don't believe in any normalcy. I think the world normal is put in there by society, to make people feel like they aren't normal by certain standards. It sets expectations to either a low bar or a high bar. Too high, that one may never be happy with anything because it is all too disappointing. Or so low, that one may settle for what they think will the best at that moment. Either way, both parties end up disappointed.

It's almost as if society wants people to self-sabotage because you are going to be too good, or not so great.

It is how you perceive the message the world gives you. Your attitude can determine if the glass if half full or half empty. If life is full or if there isn't enough. However you fill your cup, will it be enough? Or are you satisfied with what you have, even when you might want more? If you believe that the glass is half empty, what are you doing to fill that "void"? But if that glass is half full, would you be trying to fill a void that isn't there?

Maybe to some, I could just be rambling on about nothing. Then to others, maybe help them in a direction that they never thought of. I am merely making discoveries on my own, that may or may not help others... but they are something that could be working for me, or something that simply needs to be tried in a different way. These words come to mind, when I see things in a different way:

• Personal Growth
• Change
• Positivity
• Trial and Error
• Mistakes
• Chances
• Opportunity
• No regrets
• Discovery

Whether you see things spiritually, materialistically, physically, emotionally, or whatever form fits for you. You can find that happiness from within. Believe in yourself and know that you are capable of anything, as long as you put your mind to it. If you are in a position where you think you can't do anything, try to remove yourself from that situation. NOTHING or NO ONE can hold you back but yourself. So, don't sit there and try to blame someone else for your situation. Life is in your hands, it is up to you what you want to do with it.

Imagine

I don't want to imagine what my life will be like anymore. I want to do something with it, right now. Which is why I am taking a break from Facebook. Sick of seeing what my life would be like somewhere else... when I am still right where I am.

Not tomorrow or next week. Not a year from now, or even 5 to 10 years from now. Today, right now in this very moment. Things are going to change, things are going to be different, and I am ok with that. I need change, it's part of being human. Being adaptable.

People watching is something I do on occasion. I see those who are the drones in their everyday lives. I see the routines that never change. I see the ones that have that spark in their eyes, and the ones who are just in the zone. How do you get to where you are, without being in the moment? By thinking ahead about the more you want and the more you need. Then what do you do when you have it all?

Finding that one thing that makes you feel alive again. Just don't forget about the ones you have around you.

My Heart Breaks While I Write

Believe it or not, it is really hard to write a lot of what I am feeling. Mostly because I don't want to say the wrong things, and have someone hate me for it.

Well, here's the thing. That person already walked out of my life, drove away, and never returned. But I am supposed to sit here, continually being strung along... hoping that things will work out. Manipulated into thinking that things are going to get better... when in all reality, it has never been true.

One word comes to mind about how I am feeling at this exact moment.

Abandoned

I know that I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I screw up. I get angry, upset, loud, or quiet. I didn't force you out, I didn't make you leave. I never made you choose.

The problem is, I still want this to work. Why? Because I believe that anything is possible. Even after all that has happened.

Seems to be going quite well, without us... then obviously, you don't need or want us.

It doesn't matter that I am crying, or that I am distraught over this... because I don't think at any point in time, that I ever mattered. Like I said, prove me wrong. You just haven't given me any reason to trust, to believe. This is what you want?

I Won't Wait Forever

I've always talked about starting over, changing my life. The hard part was not knowing where to start. Taking that first step, but not knowing what direction. I'm fed up with wanting this thing to happen, just want it to start already. So, I am stuck in this situation I don't want to be in anymore. It is toxic.

Words to describe my life. A little mixed between the greatness and the darkness:

• Anguish
• Depressing
• Lonely
• Deteriorating
• Infuriating
• Lost
• Frustrating
• Anxious
• Crying
• Trying
• Surviving
• Weakness
• Strength
• Laughing
• Living
• Crushed
• Brokenhearted
• Drowning
• Beginning
• Stuck
• Breathless
• Struggling
• Controlled
• Too trusting
• Played
• Manipulated
• Lied to
• Aching

Probably a bit more darkness in that list, but it's what comes to mind at the moment. I am in a place where the frustration within me needs to be set free. Writing does that for me. "Talking" about it helps, but it doesn't solve anything. 

I am officially deactivating my Facebook account for awhile. I am sick of feeling "addicted" to it. Having to check it every so often, can't step away from it. Yes, I have an addictive personality and I am trying to work on that as well. Need to find a healthy way of living this life without the obsession of the "things" around me. I am not materialistic in any way. Once, someone told me that I wouldn't be happy with a $100 bill even if it was crispy and brand new. Well, I hate money... so of course that statement is true. BUT, the point here is that I am not happy. Though at the same time, I am. I just need to prove to MYSELF, that I don't need someone or something else to rely on. I have someone in my life that relies on me, and I need to be there for him. 

I spend too much time thinking about someone else, and things that will never happen. Someone who walked out on me. Out on us. Wants nothing to do with us. Yes, I am finally able to say it... even if I am near tears. What else is there to believe... when proof enough is that it's been almost 2 years. Communication is almost non-existent. Not my fault. 

If you don't believe in me, then what makes me think that I can believe in you. They call it faith. I call it reality. The past no longer is the reason either. It's what you do now that makes me question everything.

If it's not true, prove me wrong. Actions speak louder than words. Even words would speak louder than the silence. PROVE ME WRONG, and I will change my attitude towards this whole thing. I won't wait forever.

Peaceful Chaos (Poem)

Thunderstorm collides with the raging sea,
a force like no other, capturing such beauty.
At one time it was peaceful
almost like glass, strong and still.

Such chaos from the storm,
shattering the stillness.
Ripples turned into waves,
soft whispers turned into loud crashes.

Lightning striking the waters below,
taking any survivors to the depths.
Thrashing what little hope remained,
for those struggling to hang on.

As quickly as it had started,
just like that, gone in a blink of an eye.
The storm was over,
stillness and peace restored.

But What Do I Know?

I am so tired of walking on eggshells in every relationship I am in. Watching what I say, constantly, to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. Knowing that what I'm feeling and what I'm hearing are two different things. But one thing I know for sure, I'm sick of being lied it. Honesty went out with chivalry, to me it no longer exists.

Many things that make two different things. For one, finding something to talk about vs. talking about something that interests the listener. There are a million and one things to talk about, but knowing which ones to talk about can be a bit mind boggling. Someone might like talking about movies and books, but the other person is more interested in science and technology. Either way, conversation should be a two-way street. Willingness to listen, and being capable of sparking conversation no matter how "boring" it may seem. Acknowledge what the conversation is and build from it. Just try.

There are a lot of things that I would love to talk about. Are you willing to listen to them, not to pretend you're interested, but to actually make conversation about it? I am always willing to listen to what others have to say. I also love a great chance to have a debate about certain topics. If I don't know about something, I will most likely research it. Doesn't have to be something that I particularly like or it could be something that I may like later on. I'm open minded to every idea. I don't necessarily have to agree with you, but I'll do my research first.

I've talked a lot about communication, and how it is the key to our survival. It takes two or more to make some kind of communication to get started. There has to be a want on both sides, otherwise the other feels left high and dry. Then it trickles down to feeling uninteresting, boring, or just plain stupid. Dumb enough to wonder why they even choose to speak at all. Closing themselves off to the world, thinking that they should just shut up forever.

But what do I know, I'm just a stay at home mom with a high school education and no life experience. Who has never wanted anything more...