Behind Closed Doors

Am I a hideous creature, damned to the depths of darkness... where no light shall shine upon this grotesque figure. No ones eyes should be forced to see into mine, or they'll be turned to stone. Cannot touch me in the sunlight, otherwise that someone will catch fire. For others, I will just be designated as the ugly fat friend. Why is it that I am only acceptable behind closed doors?

Am I a cruel human being, who has not done right by others? Have I done something in this life, or past, that has corrupted any chance to feel anything other than sadness? Am I hopelessly romantic, or is it just hopeless? Will I only be remembered when someone needs something from me?

This is not real. This is just a nightmare that someone never woke up from. Am I that someone? Will this nightmare ever end? It feels so real, what I would give to never feel again. Turn to stone, my heart ice cold, frozen in time to never love again. Tears dry and cease to exist, for there would be no reason to cry anymore. Words are firm and cold, not harsh, but they've lost their softness. Touch becomes rigid and unwelcomed, a hug seems to feel more like a trap than a warm invitation. Everything that tastes and smells... lost its delicacy. Turn to ash in the mouth, smells foul to the nose. The body starts to reject anything that isn't death itself.

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I love myself. I know who I am. I don't need others in my life to confirm those affirmations. Though, I do have every right to question why the men in my life could never be proud to be with me.

I was going to start talking about every person, but I think I will just leave it at this right now. Even if I did talk about someone else, of course I would change their name. I think eventually I will start writing it all down, but for now, this is a taste of what it feels like. What it felt like, how it feels now... how it all just fills me with sadness.

Be sure to check out my last few posts if you've missed them. I haven't posted links for them, so some of them haven't been read at all. Thank you for taking the time to endure my healing process with me.