Feeling an urge to write, so I think I will write to my hearts content right now.
I have been through some crazy things in my life, but not so much of a regret rings loudly. I have had relationships, friendships, death, drama, and education. Just like everyone else, I have experience a part of life that everyone goes through. I also believe that I experience things different, not pessimistically as some would have thought. I just have a different way of perceiving and processing things that go on.
For one, life is full of opportunity and I haven't quite figured out how to grasp it. I've never had the chance to experience it on my own. No regrets, I wouldn't change anything and I wouldn't go back to fix it. I could give a million and one excuses as to why I feel so held back. I can't blame anyone but myself... but in some cases I can. I was never taught real freedom. To have the ability to hop in a car and go wherever I wanted to at that moment. Not having a car has taught me to rely on others to get me somewhere. If I couldn't get there on foot, I would need a ride. Most people don't mind, but I know that it can be inconvenient at times. One of the reasons why I hate asking for help. Always feeling like an inconvenience. No one, in particular, ever made me feel that way... I did that to myself. The constant low self esteem and not knowing what good I had in me to be a better person.
When I lived in the city, I was able to rely on my own two feet to get me to where I needed to be. Being able to do that, alone, was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. It was a great feeling. Then I got a job where there was no transportation and no way to get home... back to relying on someone to come get me. So then later on I get a job closer by bus and during hours of business. Met some really great people, finally found a place where I fit in.. but something still felt missing. I missed my friends and I am crying... but I am not crying because I miss my friends. I was crying because I felt like I let someone down. I felt like I failed and I felt selfish.
The world wasn't out to get me, I was out to get me... sabotaging everything going well in my life. BUT people in my life don't make that very easy either. I am so SICK of being the bad guy every time something happens. It's not fair that I have to beat myself down because someone disagrees with me. I finally get a moment of clarity, high on life, confidence, strength, and determination... and something happens. SOMEONE got upset that my life was getting better. I let these people get to me and I let them destroy myself. (PITY ME PITY ME) (no wait... DON'T).
I am not asking for sympathy, or pity. I am simply writing down what I feel is right to write down. There is so much more that I want to say, and I am not sure if I will be able to say it all. I just want my readers to know one thing.
That I love you. Thank you for taking the time out of your crazy busy lives and reading what I have to say. Thank you for putting up with me. I do not apologize for being me, but I apologize for seeming so pessimistic. I am an Over Analytical Realist, who likes to have plans, to do lists, and organization. WITH days of feeling scattered and messy, just to feel human. I am NOT perfect, so please, please, please, stop expecting me to be. I am here. I am me. Love me.
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