Just Keep Fighting (Poem)

Feeling so frozen inside,
confused and angry.
Knowing this isn't the end,
fighting, just keep fighting.

The water is ice cold,
body starts to go numb.
Barely breathing,
barely holding on.

Wreckage floats by, grabbing hold.
Everything hurts, body stinging everywhere.
Clinging for dear life, fighting...
just keep fighting.

Stars are out, moon shines bright
waters start to go still, winds die down.
Shaking and shivering, close thine eyes.
So much pain, fades into the night. -km

Writing About My Son

The best way to describe Thomas would be this; he is like a flame, short of water nothing can put it out. Lately, the people around him are like firewood, and sometimes they can be the air that fuels an explosion. He also feeds off of the emotions of those around him, so I try to remain positive and calm when we are in the same room. We have our moments, but for the most part, our relationship has gotten better. I think now he understands that I am his mother, and everyone else is just another adult in the house.

My son was diagnosed with mild Autism, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) a couple years ago, and I have been working with quite a few people to get some help for him. We've been to the doctor, the pediatrician, social thinking groups, school psychologists, parent classes, seminars for Autism and ADHD, and have tried other local resources. Once we tried medication, but it was ineffective and stopped taking it. He has been taking natural supplements for a while now, and it seems to be more effective than anything else we've tried. 

He was also diagnosed with Encopresis, a very difficult problem pertaining the bowels. He developed a fear of using the toilet, one being that someone scared him because of the toilet overflowing. The other being that he is sensitive to sounds, so he doesn't like to use them. It gets to be complicated when trying to get him to sit down and try, becomes a bigger fight, making it more traumatic... so I just wait until he calms down to get him to try. Most of the time I can get him on there, but other influences are not helping at all. So he hides himself, locks himself in the bathroom, and gets backed up causing pain and discomfort. So I have to give him Miralax to get it moving again, so he won't be in so much pain. It's hard and trying to get help with this one is very difficult to find.

What defeats the purpose of me trying so hard to help him, is those around us that don't want to help. If he deserves praise at a certain time, he damn well better get it from everyone. If he deserves discipline for something, he damn well better get it. That has always been a struggle, which in the end, has caused nothing but a power struggle for him and the adults in his life. Making school difficult, by thinking he doesn't have to listen to the teachers when he is asked to do something. His cussing is out of hand at school and only sometimes at home. But, I would like to point out that his outbursts are happening a lot less at home. Progress is being made, and I am hopefully that it will only get better.

He is smart, he is funny, he is a handsome little guy, he is creative, stubborn, and strong-willed. He has such a sense of humor, that most people we run into compliments on how children his age don't have that kind of sense of humor. He is only 8 years old, and when people talk with him they always assume that he is older than he really is. He is sweet, caring, loving, and protective. At times he can be reckless, loud, and rambunctious. Life would be boring without him, and I can't imagine not having him around. Although we've had our issues, I really enjoy being a stay-at-home mom with him. I just wish that him and I were in a better situation.

Behind Closed Doors

Am I a hideous creature, damned to the depths of darkness... where no light shall shine upon this grotesque figure. No ones eyes should be forced to see into mine, or they'll be turned to stone. Cannot touch me in the sunlight, otherwise that someone will catch fire. For others, I will just be designated as the ugly fat friend. Why is it that I am only acceptable behind closed doors?

Am I a cruel human being, who has not done right by others? Have I done something in this life, or past, that has corrupted any chance to feel anything other than sadness? Am I hopelessly romantic, or is it just hopeless? Will I only be remembered when someone needs something from me?

This is not real. This is just a nightmare that someone never woke up from. Am I that someone? Will this nightmare ever end? It feels so real, what I would give to never feel again. Turn to stone, my heart ice cold, frozen in time to never love again. Tears dry and cease to exist, for there would be no reason to cry anymore. Words are firm and cold, not harsh, but they've lost their softness. Touch becomes rigid and unwelcomed, a hug seems to feel more like a trap than a warm invitation. Everything that tastes and smells... lost its delicacy. Turn to ash in the mouth, smells foul to the nose. The body starts to reject anything that isn't death itself.

*****************************************

I love myself. I know who I am. I don't need others in my life to confirm those affirmations. Though, I do have every right to question why the men in my life could never be proud to be with me.

I was going to start talking about every person, but I think I will just leave it at this right now. Even if I did talk about someone else, of course I would change their name. I think eventually I will start writing it all down, but for now, this is a taste of what it feels like. What it felt like, how it feels now... how it all just fills me with sadness.

Be sure to check out my last few posts if you've missed them. I haven't posted links for them, so some of them haven't been read at all. Thank you for taking the time to endure my healing process with me.

Take A Risk... With Me.

Feeling an urge to write, so I think I will write to my hearts content right now.

I have been through some crazy things in my life, but not so much of a regret rings loudly. I have had relationships, friendships, death,  drama, and education. Just like everyone else, I have experience a part of life that everyone goes through. I also believe that I experience things different, not pessimistically as some would have thought. I just have a different way of perceiving and processing things that go on.

For one, life is full of opportunity and I haven't quite figured out how to grasp it. I've never had the chance to experience it on my own. No regrets, I wouldn't change anything and I wouldn't go back to fix it. I could give a million and one excuses as to why I feel so held back. I can't blame anyone but myself... but in some cases I can. I was never taught real freedom. To have the ability to hop in a car and go wherever I wanted to at that moment. Not having a car has taught me to rely on others to get me somewhere. If I couldn't get there on foot, I would need a ride. Most people don't mind, but I know that it can be inconvenient at times. One of the reasons why I hate asking for help. Always feeling like an inconvenience. No one, in particular, ever made me feel that way... I did that to myself. The constant low self esteem and not knowing what good I had in me to be a better person.

When I lived in the city, I was able to rely on my own two feet to get me to where I needed to be. Being able to do that, alone, was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. It was a great feeling. Then I got a job where there was no transportation and no way to get home... back to relying on someone to come get me. So then later on I get a job closer by bus and during hours of business. Met some really great people, finally found a place where I fit in.. but something still felt missing. I missed my friends and I am crying... but I am not crying because I miss my friends. I was crying because I felt like I let someone down. I felt like I failed and I felt selfish.

The world wasn't out to get me, I was out to get me... sabotaging everything going well in my life. BUT people in my life don't make that very easy either. I am so SICK of being the bad guy every time something happens. It's not fair that I have to beat myself down because someone disagrees with me. I finally get a moment of clarity, high on life, confidence, strength, and determination... and something happens. SOMEONE got upset that my life was getting better. I let these people get to me and I let them destroy myself. (PITY ME PITY ME) (no wait... DON'T).

I am not asking for sympathy, or pity. I am simply writing down what I feel is right to write down. There is so much more that I want to say, and I am not sure if I will be able to say it all. I just want my readers to know one thing.

That I love you. Thank you for taking the time out of your crazy busy lives and reading what I have to say. Thank you for putting up with me. I do not apologize for being me, but I apologize for seeming so pessimistic. I am an Over Analytical Realist, who likes to have plans, to do lists, and organization. WITH days of feeling scattered and messy, just to feel human. I am NOT perfect, so please, please, please, stop expecting me to be. I am here. I am me. Love me.

Letting It Go

I was looking for something to help me get through my issues of not letting go. I really need to find a way to forget what everyone else thinks of me, or the life I have chosen. My past has created the person I am today, but I need to remember that it made me who I am and that it doesn't still make me who I am tomorrow. Live and learn. Lived and Learn. Time to move on from that and start anew.

I want to stop feeling like a failure, and just feel like me again. To not care about what others do, or why they do it. To feel like I am in control of my future and every step I make to get there. I am sick of being where I am now, and I know that I can do so much more. To know that I am capable of feeling loved, without those who don't weigh me down. To stop being insecure because of comments or looks that I get while out and about. 

I know what I am capable of, I see what I can do if I just let go, I hear the greatness and I need to hold on to that. There are those out there that do love me, regardless of the dumb things I do or say. There are those who would support me, despite my choices. I want to trust again without feeling like it will be broken. To set lower expectations of everything around me, except myself. I know I can do better.

Some people still have a hold on me and I want to break that. What they say or do makes a big impact on how I am feeling, and it effects me in a very negative way. Tired of feeling like I am drowning in sorrows and failures. When I should be enjoying my own awesomeness. I am not conceited, I am proud of who I am and who I want to be. I don't want to sit around and wait for someone else to make my choices for me. Getting a job, going to school, what career field I should choose, where I want to live. Or even as simple as what book to read, or TV show to watch, or what to eat. (Which is another thing I need to discuss). This is my life and I need to be in control of it. I think if I can do that, then I won't have the need to control anything or anyone else.

SO... here is a list I found online of things that I need/want to work on. Going to print it out and start making a difference where it counts. With the only person that it matters for. Myself.

#1 Letting the opinions of others control your life.

       - It's not what others think, it's what you think about yourself that counts.

       - You have to do exactly what's best for you and your life, not what's best for everyone else.

#2 The Shame of past failures

      - Your past does not equal your future

      - All that matters is what you do right now

#3 Being indecisive about what you want

      - You will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be

      - Make a decision to figure out what you want, and then pursue it passionately.

#4 Procrastinating on the goals that matter to you

      - There are two primary choices in life: To accept conditions as they exist, or accept the       responsibility for changing them.

      - The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.

#5 Choosing to do nothing

      - You don't get to choose how you are going to die or when, you can only decide how you are going to live right now.

      - Every day is a new chance to choose.

#6 Your need to be right

      - Aim for success but never give up your right to be wrong. Because when you do you will lose the ability to learn new things and move on with your life.

#7 Running away from problems that should be fixed

      - Stop Running! Period. Face reality, face your problems.. Move on.

#8 Making excuses rather than decisions.

      - Most long term failures are the outcome of people making excuses instead of taking decisions

#9 Overlooking the positive points in your life.

      - What you see often depends entirely of what you are looking for.

      - Be thankful for the good things in your life right now. If not.. you will never be happy.

#10 Not appreciating the present moment.. the NOW

      - Too often we concentrate on doing something big without realizing that it is the small things in life that keep us going.

Almost A Month Ago

Now that it is the beginning of April and I haven’t done a lot of writing that I've wanted to do, it is time to just get back into the habit of doing so. I am currently involved in a 30-day challenge to reconnect with nature, outdoors, and just being unplugged. I would love to start handwriting again, but I think it would take away from just being connected to nature. As much as I love writing, I need to focus on the inner part of me.

Here’s why. I am falling apart once again, and in dire need of finding myself. I feel like I am in a losing battle of the many decisions/choices needed to be made, in order to get myself to the next step in my life. So much worrying and added stress, it is really starting to weigh me down in more ways than one. Not only is my life affected by it, but my son’s as well. Are everyone else’s choices/decisions at the best interests of my son’s life? Or even my life? I am at this point in my life where I am SICK of other people making decisions/choices for my life. Why does my life have to continue revolving around everyone else’s and not my own? Why am I not the center of my universe? Because people think that I am too weak to be on my own.

From the beginning I have never been alone, why, because NO ONE has given me that chance to be on my own. I've always been surrounded by people, always making my life second to everyone else around me. I don’t regret having a child and never will I ever make that out to be a mistake. I've just never had the chance to ever think about myself and be just for myself. I chose that, it was not forced on me. What else I chose was to be with someone who didn't want to be with just me. I chose to make my life the way it is… but why can I not blame for what has happened to me? I am solely responsible for my life, but the course of my life hasn't been just me.

I am shutting down, shutting out, and letting go. No more influence, no more opinions, comments, or whatever… No more talking to anyone about anything. I am my own person and I will do what I want. There are no consequences for making my life better and the way I want it to be. It just SUCKS that it took me this long to figure it out. I've known what I want to do, I've just always been talked out of doing something because I let myself believe that people knew me better than I did. The only people I need in my life are the ones that support me 100%, no matter what I decided. Love me or hate me, life needs to go on.

I hope, by the next time I post, that I will be a different person. I will be someone who still cares and loves the people in my life, but no longer taking the bull shit thrown at me. This is MY life and no one else’s, and I plan to keep it that way.

I still plan to learn new things, new languages, new research… but on a much smaller scale than what I have been forcing onto myself. One step at a time and I plan to start with my 30 day challenge of being reconnected with nature.

My Views About Communication

From the time we are born, to the time of our death, communication is something that should be treasured along with life. When we are young, we are taught to use our words when we want something or have the need to express what it is we are feeling. Then, into adulthood, we are encouraged to communicate in our relationships, as well as our jobs, our education, or even with others around the world.

Throughout childhood, we are told to use our words to tell others how we are feeling, or to ask for things. Then when we talk too much, we are told to be quiet and to stop talking, for some reason or another. We are too loud, too talkative, too inquisitive, or too noisy for today’s adults. So, for some, it could turn into needing attention in negative ways, or turning inward for support from themselves. Not creating a healthy relationship with communication, or those around who are supposed to be your support.

By the time we are teenagers, it’s almost as if we are discouraged to say anything, or ask any questions. Yet, the adults are disappointed by the choices made by teenagers and they don’t understand why those choices were made. It couldn't be that they felt ignored, judged, and alone when they were children that they had to grow up faster, just so they can answer questions for themselves. Or turn into delinquents, causing trouble as a cry for attention they never got as a child. Some may grow out of it and some may not, but it’s ultimately about the outcome and the goal that had to be reached.

Then, coming into adulthood, we have relationships through love, friends, jobs, schools, and continued with family. Not all, but some relationships will fail because of the lack of communication going on between each other. One side could be that one doesn't simply know how to communicate because of the way they were raised. Another could be that lies and deceit are the only ways to communicate. Or one believes in communication and the other does not. So many factors can be involved with this situation, it’s hard to pinpoint why so many relationships fail because of miscommunication.

I believe that from lack of communication, other habits are created and they can either be good or bad. Assumptions are being made because no one can talk to each other about what is really going on. Over-Analysis may also be a condition having no communication with others. Always over-thinking as to why or why not something is going on. This causes anxiety, worry, depression, and low self-esteem all because of not talking about it with people we are supposed to trust.

If we were allowed to say anything we wanted, without judgment or ridicule, than life today may have a few less problems. The beauty that comes along with communication could change the way that people think, the way people cope with everyday life, and the way things would be handled if everything was put out there. Granted that some things should never be said, but would such things exist if everything was allowed to be said or questioned?

Imagine where we would be is there was no miscommunication. Do you think that some miscommunication should be a normal part of our lives? Maybe for some, miscommunication is a blessing in disguise. But for most, I believe that it is the root of most problems with our society today. Change our ways, start with our children. Encourage them to talk, but don’t force it, and let it come to them naturally. Build that relationship.

Digging Deeper into the Core

I don’t like being played and yet it continues to happen. From the minute I wake up, to the minute I fall asleep, I live in this fear of never truly being loved. Being a part of something, that is supposed to be so grand, and I can’t find anything worth raving about. From family and friends to being married, there isn’t anything more confusing than love.

Family, the one you are born into. It can either be great or it can destroy your very definition of the word Family. Mother, Father, brothers, sisters, and they can live together, never fall apart and be considered the “perfect” family. But what people don’t see is that they might all hate each other. Forced to live with each other, like one another, and doomed to be together.

I am the outcast in my family; you might as well call me the runt of the litter. I guess, since the beginning, I have been the weird and strange one. Doesn’t matter what it is that I like, it will always be weird to them. I am tired of the way that they make me feel, just because of my life choices. It’s my life, why should I be chained down by my choices rather than sailing with them? By the choices that I have made, I am bound by them? NO. Those choices are in the past and they are a continued force in my future, only because I want them to be not because they have to be. People make mistakes, and people’s mistakes are only those because people have made them out to be so. I don’t see my choices as mistakes. Yes, so maybe they were fully planned choices or thought all the way through, but I don’t regret them. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I had any regrets from past choices that I have made. It is time to move on, to move forward. Without the guilt, the pain, and the doubt put there by others.

As for friends, I have had a few. Good or bad, they were or are people that have come into my life for a reason. I don’t like to look at having friends for a purpose. People come and go, and it’s at their own risk. I have learned who to talk to, who to trust, and who to not stay away from but to avoid certain conversations with.  I have been inspired, motivated, pressured, hated, surprised, and confused by the word friendship. I am more aware of who to surround myself with, and who to keep at a distance. Trust is a huge issue, always has and probably always will be. You can’t trust everyone, but you can trust the ones who never crossed you. That quote, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”, I don’t agree with that at all. I think if this were true, we’d make more enemies than we would make friends. With that, I treasure the ones who have been kind, I forgive the ones who weren’t, and I decide who gets my trust and who gets my company.

I’ve probably said it before, but I have never felt so used in my entire life. Then again, I have just felt used from the time I started to remember things. To this day, I thought I just had a kind heart. One who felt like helping people, and doing the right thing. I never wanted anything, except friendship and acceptance, in return. I thought it was selfish to want anything else in return. I’ve come to realize that, if you can’t accept yourself for who you are, then why would anyone else?

Acceptance, the last topic for tonight's post. I have accepted myself for who I am, so why am I still looking for acceptance from those around me. People should either love me for who I am or hate me for what they see. I think a large part of what is really wrong, underneath everything else, is the lack of communication. The key to a healthy relationship is having the ability to talk to each other. If you can’t talk to each other, how will you know if something is working or if something needs to be worked on? This will be my topic for the next journal entry. For now, goodnight.

The Value of an Apology

What is your view/opinion/etc about Apologies? Do you think they are effective? Do you believe that they should mean something? Will you teach children the value of it and follow those values as well?

From the beginning of time, children have been taught to apologize for hurting someone else. They are taught to accept those apologies when they feel the time is right. Most children bounce back and accept it right away, maybe some will take a moment to think about it, and rarely some take more than a day to respond. Children apologize to their friends, schoolmates, siblings, and even apologize to their parents. As adults, do we accept that apology wholeheartedly or we just acknowledge the fact that they "have" to say it?

I understand that things will never be the same after having to apologize for something, but it takes strength for people to say they are sorry. Admitting that they did something to hurt someone, admitting that they acted wrongfully... and willingly stood up, took a chance, and apologized. It takes greater strength to accept an apology, to show someone that you can move passed certain things.

The only difference is that I believe an apology should come from both parties. Not just one, always feeling like they have to apologize to the other... Nobody is perfect, why should the one doing the forgiving... be the only one to forgive?

Now I come back around. People teach their children to apologize, but in turn don't apologize or believe in the apology at all. Hypocrisy at its best. Don't teach your child values that you don't believe in. I fully believe in apologies, I think that they do some good in teaching how to move forward instead of dwelling on one thing. Yes, it changes things... but nothing really ever stays the same? We grow, we learn, we move on.

Degradation

Just for the past 8 years, my life has had its ups and downs. Like everyone else, I got through them and moved on. One thing that bothers me to this day is how little people have made me feel. Now, I know that people shouldn't affect me that way... but if you know me by now, some people have that affect on me and I still can't figure out why. The worse thing that people could do is degrade and belittle you... but what makes it 10x worse then that? Doing it in front of your child for so long that he starts to do it too.

Ever since my son was born, our relationship has been compromised. I spent so much time working, that he had to spend a lot of time with other family members. They now claim that they are more like a parent to him, and some of them say that to me while he is in the room. We move away and I go right back to working, not getting the chance to really spend time with my son. At this point, I just wanted to be a mom and nothing else... but I had to keep working.

Not everyone knows what goes on behind close doors and believes that everything is just sunshine and freaking rainbows. I post a lot of my anger online because it is the only way to get it out, without regret. Life is not perfect, life is hard. BUT you know what? I AM STILL HERE. I've seen people go out by taking their own life, there are many ways to do it... I have been so depressed, down to the point of suicidal, but deep down I knew, I KNEW, that there was more to life than just sadness, darkness, and loneliness..

I have found joy in being a mother to a child who is beautiful, smart, creative, active, sweet, talented, and full of life. I know that most days he has really great moments, the ones that make you smile and feel like you did something right. The moments that you treasure forever in your memories and share them with others. When he remembers to use his manners, or does something nice without having to be asked, or just says "Mom, I love you" and not have any strings attached to it. When he runs up to give you a big hug because he missed you.

When things seem so right, all hell breaks loose and when it breaks... it shatters. Arguments start and words are flying, hurtful, painful words that can never really be taken back. Most people say, "Oh, he doesn't mean it. He is just angry and upset and he loves you." Most people I hear that... aren't parents themselves. As a mother, I have to say that either way, it still freakin' hurts when your kids yells at you saying horrible things. "I don't love you, I don't need you, so-and-so loves me more, I hate you, you are not my mother...." and more. You can't compare that to any other type of relationship because being a mother is forever.

No matter what, I will love my child more than anyone else on this planet... and every day I will make things right between him and me. Tired of people letting him think that I am not good enough to be his mother. Just like ANY mother, I try my damned hardest to make everything work. I have NEVER left him behind, nor will I EVER! So WHY should I be the one to feel this way? I won't say NEVER AGAIN, but I know that will not be true. BUT I am so sick of being mistreated, tossed aside, thrown away, and replaced like I was nothing but a pair of old shoes.