Vegetarian Zuppa Toscana Recipe

Similar to Olive Garden's own recipe!

I loved the soup at Olive Garden, it's so hearty and comforting! Now that I am a vegetarian, I can't order my favorite soup. I have looked online for many different recipes, and I have created my own version of it! It is in the crock pot as I write this.

This is the first time using Field Roast Italian "Sausage", so I am excited to try it! I have had their Smoked Apple Sage and it was so good! The flavor is amazing, you can't tell that you aren't eating sausage! I bought the Field Roast sausages in the Vegan refrigerated section at Safeway, it runs about $5 depending on sale prices and availability. 

I also used a bit more garlic than listed because I LOVE garlic! A clove of garlic makes about 1 teaspoon minced garlic, this calls for 2 cloves... and I used about 1 1/2 tablespoons minced garlic. You can add some white onion in there if you like the flavor of onions. I am not big on them so I didn't add any. I think with the vegetable stock and the garlic, mixed with the flavors from the sausage, there should be enough flavor to go around!

So, here is my recipe! I will definitely be back to leave a review of how it turned out!

Vegetarian Zuppa Toscana

Ingredients

4 Italian "sausages" (I used vegan Field Roast)

2 cloves Garlic (minced)

1/8 chopped onion (optional)

4 cups Kale (chopped)

4 Large Russet Potatoes (cubed)

32 ounces Vegetable Stock (or Vegetable broth if preferred) 

1 cup Water

1 1/2 cups evaporated milk (I used 3/4 c. Vitamin D and 3/4 c. Lowfat 2%)*

Instructions

1. Slice Italian "sausages" into 1mm round circles.
2. Saute garlic and sausages in a pan until cooked and browned.
3. Remove from heat and pour into a large crock pot.
4. Saute the diced kale for 2 - 3 minutes, just enough to soften and lightly brown.
5. Add Kale to crock pot and remaining ingredients (except for 1 cup water).
6. Cook on high for 4 - 6 hours. 
7. Add remaining 1 cup of water after about 4 hours.

*You can use 2 cans of one kind as well, especially if you want to make it healthier.

***REVIEW***

After everything was finished, we made grilled cheese sandwiches to go with the soup. Everything tasted fantastic! Just one alteration I made was going down to only needing 1 cup of water. The kale cooked down in the broth and I think most of the water cooked out of it. If you like a lot of flavors, I suggest adding the onion to the mixture. Other than that, it was pretty tasty! My family really enjoyed it, even though they are not vegetarians. If you try this recipe, or make any changes to it, please comment below so others may try it as well. Thank you!

What Once Was (poem)

This pain grows deeper,
quickly taking its place.
Leaving nothing behind,
but a path of sorrow and emptiness.

Some days are better than others,
still holding onto what little hope is left.
Seeing the light, keeping it close so that it
doesn't fade into the depths of darkness.

The tears, they fall.
The smile, it hides.
The cries, silently screaming.
The feeling, still so intense.

To feel, is to show you're still alive.
But to know so much pain,
you only wish to never feel it again.
Not even in death, could it be cured.

km - 12/9/14

Stepping Away

How do you step away from negativity? When you are surrounded by it, with nowhere to go. Anything you say is wrong, everything you do will never be good enough. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to know how to block it out, move past the harsh words, and not let it get to me. These people, they know exactly what to say... it not only gets under your skin, it becomes that voice in the back of your head. The one I fight all the time, telling myself that I am better than that.

I no longer want to live my family's motto, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". Gratitude goes a long way, being thankful for what you have and not resentful for what you never had. Stepping away from that bubble of darkness and loneliness. I have my strong points, but when it becomes a repetitive cycle... it eats away at your soul, your subconsciousness, always fighting to remember the better things.

There will always be people in your life, you are never completely alone. At least it is what I like to believe. There are people who lift you up, there are people who bring you down, and there are people who are just there. Most of the time, the people you are closest to will have your back, or they will stab you in the back. Some people even know how to help you, and then make you feel like a piece of shit. How do you not let that get to you?

Then there are the ones, who you never talk to... who start spreading rumors based off of something they concluded on their own. It is tiring to have to explain yourself, even when you never did anything wrong. The pointing of the fingers, the deception, and the things people say just to stir up problems... THAT NEVER EXISTED.

Either way, I am tired of fighting this feeling. People telling you that you are not a good mother, that you are not fit to be a mother, that you will never accomplish anything in life, that you were a mistake, a regret, they blame you for everything that went wrong in their life, and that it's your fault for not trying. Feeling manipulated is not a way of life. Always trying to figure out someone else's angle because there is usually a reason behind something. Not because you are paranoid, but because it's happened before.

Enough is enough. I'm stepping away. Not giving up, just not giving in either. It may seem like I am angry, but all I am really trying to do... is understand, because right now... I don't. I am far from perfect and I don't expect others to be. I am just lost in the idea of what love, trust, and family really are.

Hiding Behind The Mask (poem)

My reflection,
who I see and who I am are different.
Fear that it will never show
who I am on the inside.

What do people see?
Does it really matter?
Why do they judge me?
Should it not matter?

So much love to share with the world,
despite how upside my world is right now.
Feeling forgotten with time,
why am I so forgettable?

Reaching out to my reflection,
the image starts to ripple.
Perspective changes,
what I see is just a mask...

Hiding behind, in fear of being seen again.

A Different Kind of Feeling

Last week, I started using an app called C25k to help get me running again. It is a great training app that does intervals of running and walking, with a warm-up and cool down. A voice guides you along, letting you know when to walk, run, jog, warm up, cool down, lets you know when you are half way through, and when you complete the workout. It really has motivated me to get off my butt and get moving again.

My major goal right now, is to live long enough to see the world a little longer than predicted. Running will help me achieve that goal. What's great about it? It not only gets me motivated, my son wants to keep me going too! I found a way to show him that you can do anything, as long as you believe. To never give up, no matter how hard it gets.  Plus, it always helps to have someone cheering you on!

Along with my running, I have noticed a difference in my food habits. Yes, there are a couple times where I just want the worst thing for me (Oreos). Overall, I just want better things to eat so I don't lose that good feeling I get after a good run. Finally getting the chance to slowly wean off of processed foods. The last two times I have gotten fast food, they have made me sick. I am craving leafy greens, healthy fruits, other kinds of vegetables, incorporating more nuts (haha) into my lifestyle, and it feels great!

I will be honest, I was a blubbering mess this morning... did not want to get out of bed, but I did it. I put my shoes and socks on, started my running playlist, and walked outside. Thirty minutes later, I was alive, my head was clearer than when I started, and I knew that I didn't give up. I have completed 2 weeks of training with this app, and let me tell you, it is getting easier. The pain isn't as overwhelming anymore. I am also researching tips on breathing and shin splint prevention, looking up different types of shoes, body forms that really help prevent injury, and finding songs that better fit my tempo. Biggest accomplishment? Telling that little nagging voice in my head, that tells me that I can't do it, to SHUT UP! I know I can do this and I will. Its only 3 days a week for 30 minutes each day, I can't complain! Well, actually I can... there are days when I want to do another 30 minute program!! Now that is just amazing!

When I run, it is a different kind of feeling. I thought that driving would be the ultimate feeling of freedom, but for me, it no longer is. Running is one thing in life that I have always loved doing, but held back because of my weight. Not any more. I am going to take it easy so I don't hurt myself, but I am going to continue this endeavor until I have reached my goal. I will complete a 5k in my lifetime!

Pescetarian and Proud

Six months ago, I made a lifestyle change. I chose to give up meat. I knew that I had a hard time digesting meats, especially red meats. So, I knew that I had to make a change in my way of eating, in order to feel better. Not to only feel better when I ate, but to feel better about myself too. Eventually, my goal is to be a vegetarian, but right now, I love fish, shrimp, and sushi! I don't feel horrible after eating those things, my stomach doesn't disagree entirely with them. But I am happy that I have incorporated more fruits and veggies into my life, and soon I will be lessening the amount of processed foods as well.

For me, this isn't just some "special diet", as some may call it. Some people were very supportive, and some... not so much or even at all. Saying that I wouldn't stick with it, or last long with this "diet". Let me explain something. This was NOT a DIET. This is what you call a lifestyle change. Why? Because life is worth living for a lot longer than predicted. But here's the thing, not everyone is cut out for a different lifestyle. Everybody's body reacts differently to all kinds of things. I should be able to change my habits, for the betterment of myself.

Have I ever craved a big juicy burger, or a big piece of steak, or the popular item of bacon that is on everything? Yah, sure I have, but it isn't worth the health risks to enjoy those things. I remind myself that what I am doing is worth it, and I move on. It's not worth getting sick over.

Of course, I ended up in the hospital after having dinner at a Mexican restaurant... but here is the kicker, I also had ice cream right after at Cold Stone Creamery. Love their ice cream, but not worth it anymore. All the fat and grease from the food I ate, solidified by ice cream (chocolate, fudge, and brownies)... what a disaster I put myself in. One of those nights that I had let myself go and ate too much crap. Nobody wants a trip to the hospital to be a reminder as to why we want to live differently. Don't wait until that point.

Among other things, I also gave up soda and alcohol. Have I had a soda since then? Of course. I have had a couple in the last 5 months. Despite being surrounded with so many great sodas, it also is not worth the health risk. I don't mind a ginger ale every once in a while, or a sip of rootbeer. Or if I hadn't had my caffiene that day, then Pepsi was the way to go. It doesn't happen a lot, I think I have only had 1 20oz soda since I gave it up.

Alcohol, also because of the health risks that go along with it. It was great getting drunk, or drinking for a buzz, but it was also getting out of hand. So, I stopped drinking and it helped to give up soda because I loved Rum and Coke. I have had maybe 2 drinks since then, but it was a Strawberrita (sp) and a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Woo. I am just better off without it.

I haven't lost much weight since giving these things up, but I've noticed a change in the way I feel. More energy, more focused, I don't get sick as often as I used to. The hardest decision I have to make, is what kind of food to eat when I go out. If I go to the right places, it's not so difficult. The worst part about loving pizza, was loving to eat it with a soda. And what about Rootbeer Floats, huh? Who doesn't love those?

I would rather die happy knowing that I was able to live a longer life, just by choosing a different habit. I love food, but not enough to die for it.

Building New Walls... Tearing Down Old Ones

Thank you again to those still following my blog. I know that my emotions have been all over the place, but I am making huge changes in my life. Thank you for sticking with me through my roller coaster of life.

I know that I say that I am going to make things happen, I make promises to change certain things, but I am human. I say things during a high time and a low time... sometimes things will level out and not seem so bad. I have been neglecting certain aspects of my life, but only to make sure the important ones are taken care of first.

I will soon post an update on Thomas and myself, just need to find a little extra time to put everything down. So far, things are going well and progressing to even better things. I am very optimistic about things to come. Right now, I am focusing on today and only today. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not last year... and so on. Sometimes I have flashbacks, or memories pop up during a song... but I do not dwell on them as long as I used to.

One thing for sure though, is that I am tired of fighting. Hanging on by the fingertips can be overwhelmingly depressing and discouraging. I am not letting go, just moving forward. Grabbing life with both hands and just keep climbing. I will get to the top, I will succeed, and I will not do it for anyone but myself. This is something that needs to be done. I am tired of feeling, stuck.

I love you all and thank you again for your love and support for as long as we've known each other!

Glorified Journal Gone Wrong

I come to write in my blog, with hopes that someone will read it. With hope in finding someone who is or was going through something similar. Looking for feedback of some kind.

I have an addiction to Facebook. I know I do. Some nights I stay up, just to check and see what's going on on Facebook. I crave human interaction, but stuck with social media. I feel trapped where I am, and I don't know how to get out.

I need a car, but I don't have that kind of money. Finding someone willing to take payments, is even harder than trying to apply for loans. Finally got my license, and for what? To expire in my wallet.

I'm tired of living with someone who believes that I am a monster. Of living in fear of what's going to happen next. Anything I try to do, is and never will be good enough. I was told that I was a horrible mother and that I'm not trying at all. Seriously? I am busting my ass while letting myself go because he comes first. I am not crazy, I know someone is telling my child horrible things. Some of the things he says are not something a child would ever come up with on their own. It pisses me off because it is undoing the good things I'm trying to incorporate into his life. He is Autistic with ADHD, you can't tell him something and not expect it to come back out.

The one thing I hate most, is liars. Ones who say one thing, but never follow through. Not only does it make you a liar, but it makes you a hypocrite. I'm not perfect, but at least I'm honest about things. Just don't expect me to say anything, if you never will.

Lots of "I's" in this post, but there is quite a bit needed to be said. What you read and how you interpret it could be two different things. I'm not sorry that I haven't been painting the best picture either. This is my life. A story of where people walk out of my life... and never come back. But I never give up hope that someday they might. I can't sit and dwell on that fact either, because I too have a life to live. I am also not apologizing for other people's actions. If they say something to another person, and that person can't come to me with it... that is on them. So screw you if you think I'm allowing judgement to be passed. I stopped talking about things altogether, just so it would stop the bullshit. Has it? Of course not. People do what they think should be done, without me having any knowledge of it until after (long after) the fact.

I am a new person. I am confident, beautiful, strong, and capable of anything. But I will also be a bitch if you continue to fuck with me. I'm not a goddamned door mat. Also, if I don't believe in something, don't force your beliefs down my throat and convince me that it's for the better. If I came to you with something,  I respect the opinions and feedback given. But to those of you who think they know me better... clearly do not.

You don't know me at all.

This Will Be My Last... (Poem)

You gave up on me.
You gave up on us.
Of course I'm upset,
it's the only thing that I can be.

I don't want to think about it,
let alone write about it,
or not even talk about it,
anymore.

I have every right to feel this way,
I will never trust again.
I blame myself for trusing at all,
I won't make that mistake again.

This will be my last time
I will even say anything
about what's really going on.
C'est La Vie.

Summer Fun

Intent To Ne'er Return (Poem)

It's not my fault,
choices were made.
You walked away,
with intent to ne'er return.

I was so blinded by love,
I couldn't see past the truth.
Now, what do I see?
Someone who can't stand the thought of me.

The worst part is,
I'm not the only one hurting.
It hurts more for me,
having to watch it hurt him, too.

Not sure what to do,
still processing and preparing.
Hoping for strength to keep me going,
staying busy, but not enough to clear my head.

Nothing is Ever Normal

"Someone's normal is someone else's weird, and someone's weird is someone else's normal."

I don't believe in any normalcy. I think the world normal is put in there by society, to make people feel like they aren't normal by certain standards. It sets expectations to either a low bar or a high bar. Too high, that one may never be happy with anything because it is all too disappointing. Or so low, that one may settle for what they think will the best at that moment. Either way, both parties end up disappointed.

It's almost as if society wants people to self-sabotage because you are going to be too good, or not so great.

It is how you perceive the message the world gives you. Your attitude can determine if the glass if half full or half empty. If life is full or if there isn't enough. However you fill your cup, will it be enough? Or are you satisfied with what you have, even when you might want more? If you believe that the glass is half empty, what are you doing to fill that "void"? But if that glass is half full, would you be trying to fill a void that isn't there?

Maybe to some, I could just be rambling on about nothing. Then to others, maybe help them in a direction that they never thought of. I am merely making discoveries on my own, that may or may not help others... but they are something that could be working for me, or something that simply needs to be tried in a different way. These words come to mind, when I see things in a different way:

• Personal Growth
• Change
• Positivity
• Trial and Error
• Mistakes
• Chances
• Opportunity
• No regrets
• Discovery

Whether you see things spiritually, materialistically, physically, emotionally, or whatever form fits for you. You can find that happiness from within. Believe in yourself and know that you are capable of anything, as long as you put your mind to it. If you are in a position where you think you can't do anything, try to remove yourself from that situation. NOTHING or NO ONE can hold you back but yourself. So, don't sit there and try to blame someone else for your situation. Life is in your hands, it is up to you what you want to do with it.

Imagine

I don't want to imagine what my life will be like anymore. I want to do something with it, right now. Which is why I am taking a break from Facebook. Sick of seeing what my life would be like somewhere else... when I am still right where I am.

Not tomorrow or next week. Not a year from now, or even 5 to 10 years from now. Today, right now in this very moment. Things are going to change, things are going to be different, and I am ok with that. I need change, it's part of being human. Being adaptable.

People watching is something I do on occasion. I see those who are the drones in their everyday lives. I see the routines that never change. I see the ones that have that spark in their eyes, and the ones who are just in the zone. How do you get to where you are, without being in the moment? By thinking ahead about the more you want and the more you need. Then what do you do when you have it all?

Finding that one thing that makes you feel alive again. Just don't forget about the ones you have around you.

My Heart Breaks While I Write

Believe it or not, it is really hard to write a lot of what I am feeling. Mostly because I don't want to say the wrong things, and have someone hate me for it.

Well, here's the thing. That person already walked out of my life, drove away, and never returned. But I am supposed to sit here, continually being strung along... hoping that things will work out. Manipulated into thinking that things are going to get better... when in all reality, it has never been true.

One word comes to mind about how I am feeling at this exact moment.

Abandoned

I know that I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I screw up. I get angry, upset, loud, or quiet. I didn't force you out, I didn't make you leave. I never made you choose.

The problem is, I still want this to work. Why? Because I believe that anything is possible. Even after all that has happened.

Seems to be going quite well, without us... then obviously, you don't need or want us.

It doesn't matter that I am crying, or that I am distraught over this... because I don't think at any point in time, that I ever mattered. Like I said, prove me wrong. You just haven't given me any reason to trust, to believe. This is what you want?

I Won't Wait Forever

I've always talked about starting over, changing my life. The hard part was not knowing where to start. Taking that first step, but not knowing what direction. I'm fed up with wanting this thing to happen, just want it to start already. So, I am stuck in this situation I don't want to be in anymore. It is toxic.

Words to describe my life. A little mixed between the greatness and the darkness:

• Anguish
• Depressing
• Lonely
• Deteriorating
• Infuriating
• Lost
• Frustrating
• Anxious
• Crying
• Trying
• Surviving
• Weakness
• Strength
• Laughing
• Living
• Crushed
• Brokenhearted
• Drowning
• Beginning
• Stuck
• Breathless
• Struggling
• Controlled
• Too trusting
• Played
• Manipulated
• Lied to
• Aching

Probably a bit more darkness in that list, but it's what comes to mind at the moment. I am in a place where the frustration within me needs to be set free. Writing does that for me. "Talking" about it helps, but it doesn't solve anything. 

I am officially deactivating my Facebook account for awhile. I am sick of feeling "addicted" to it. Having to check it every so often, can't step away from it. Yes, I have an addictive personality and I am trying to work on that as well. Need to find a healthy way of living this life without the obsession of the "things" around me. I am not materialistic in any way. Once, someone told me that I wouldn't be happy with a $100 bill even if it was crispy and brand new. Well, I hate money... so of course that statement is true. BUT, the point here is that I am not happy. Though at the same time, I am. I just need to prove to MYSELF, that I don't need someone or something else to rely on. I have someone in my life that relies on me, and I need to be there for him. 

I spend too much time thinking about someone else, and things that will never happen. Someone who walked out on me. Out on us. Wants nothing to do with us. Yes, I am finally able to say it... even if I am near tears. What else is there to believe... when proof enough is that it's been almost 2 years. Communication is almost non-existent. Not my fault. 

If you don't believe in me, then what makes me think that I can believe in you. They call it faith. I call it reality. The past no longer is the reason either. It's what you do now that makes me question everything.

If it's not true, prove me wrong. Actions speak louder than words. Even words would speak louder than the silence. PROVE ME WRONG, and I will change my attitude towards this whole thing. I won't wait forever.

Peaceful Chaos (Poem)

Thunderstorm collides with the raging sea,
a force like no other, capturing such beauty.
At one time it was peaceful
almost like glass, strong and still.

Such chaos from the storm,
shattering the stillness.
Ripples turned into waves,
soft whispers turned into loud crashes.

Lightning striking the waters below,
taking any survivors to the depths.
Thrashing what little hope remained,
for those struggling to hang on.

As quickly as it had started,
just like that, gone in a blink of an eye.
The storm was over,
stillness and peace restored.

But What Do I Know?

I am so tired of walking on eggshells in every relationship I am in. Watching what I say, constantly, to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. Knowing that what I'm feeling and what I'm hearing are two different things. But one thing I know for sure, I'm sick of being lied it. Honesty went out with chivalry, to me it no longer exists.

Many things that make two different things. For one, finding something to talk about vs. talking about something that interests the listener. There are a million and one things to talk about, but knowing which ones to talk about can be a bit mind boggling. Someone might like talking about movies and books, but the other person is more interested in science and technology. Either way, conversation should be a two-way street. Willingness to listen, and being capable of sparking conversation no matter how "boring" it may seem. Acknowledge what the conversation is and build from it. Just try.

There are a lot of things that I would love to talk about. Are you willing to listen to them, not to pretend you're interested, but to actually make conversation about it? I am always willing to listen to what others have to say. I also love a great chance to have a debate about certain topics. If I don't know about something, I will most likely research it. Doesn't have to be something that I particularly like or it could be something that I may like later on. I'm open minded to every idea. I don't necessarily have to agree with you, but I'll do my research first.

I've talked a lot about communication, and how it is the key to our survival. It takes two or more to make some kind of communication to get started. There has to be a want on both sides, otherwise the other feels left high and dry. Then it trickles down to feeling uninteresting, boring, or just plain stupid. Dumb enough to wonder why they even choose to speak at all. Closing themselves off to the world, thinking that they should just shut up forever.

But what do I know, I'm just a stay at home mom with a high school education and no life experience. Who has never wanted anything more...

Heavy With Guilt (Poem)

What is this feeling, swirling
deep below the darkness?
Stirring, somewhere beyond the cold.
More than hope, stronger than that.

So used to feeling dead inside,
this feels new and different.
Somewhat refreshing to be able
to acknowledge life from within.

Remaining optimistic as this feeling
swells, growing stronger everyday.
Feeling lighter, as if the weight is being
lifted, taken away, gradually.

Careful not to take it all back,
the weight that crushed these shoulders.
Unbearably heavy with guilt,
slowly starts to fade away.

I Still Love You (Poem)

My heart,
it does not bleed for you.
My soul,
it does not belong to you.

My tears,
no longer fall for you.
My words,
they are not meant for you.

My life,
is not to be manipulated.
My heart,
it is not to be played with.

My love for you,
remains the same.
Regardless of what has happened,
or what you've put me through.

Sometimes It Just Doesn't Matter

It just doesn't matter, I mean, why should it?

You feel sad, and you want to talk to your friends about it... "Drama Queen" "Get over yourself" "Move On"

What if something happened to me, and I was no longer here... would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone miss me? I guess it wouldn't matter...

But it does matter, to me. I'm still here, yet I feel so alone.

"the world is not out to get you..." Of course it isn't, never thought it was.

Why I even write these blogs anymore... people "read" them, but never have anything to say.

You listen, to listen.
You listen, and reply.
You listen, and just be there.

Create an ally through your listening. Some day, you will need someone to listen to you.

Don't pretend to listen, and act like you were there... because you weren't. Blank eyes, crappy responses. Robotic, unsympathetic, no empathy at all. You will never understand.

Depression is not selfish, you don't just think about yourself. You think about the ones you want to talk to, share with, compare notes with... but then you think, "I don't want to bother them with my problems, when they have problems of their own." Therefore, thinking about them and their problems... feeling guilty for even wanting to mention anything going on with yourself.

So, right now... It just doesn't matter.

FUCK IT.

When It Comes To This Life (Poem)

Breaking these chains wrapped around this heart,
it wasn't turned to stone, or as cold as ice.
Being tied down, held back, stuck in time
where nothing was moving, or happening.

It's a wonder why the past stayed so close,
it was still there, lingering around as guilt.
Trying to let it go, but it still hung on
long enough to make someone go crazy.

This fear of losing you, hurting you,
never should have been there.
You can't lose something, or hurt someone
when they were never there in the first place.

Never should one feel guilty for speaking the truth,
for doing the right thing, when it comes to this life.
One's life should never be put aside, or on hold,
just to let someone else have all of the power.

Old Pair of Shoes

Read a post this morning and it goes well with the quote I posted this morning.

First quote:

"I may not be someone's first choice, but I'm a great choice. I may not be rich, but I'm valuable. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don't need to be. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away!" - Unknown

Friend's Post:

"If it's going to be hard for you to choose between me and someone else, just choose the other person because I am not an option."

I don't understand why people think it's ok to treat others like a pair of shoes. Decide one day that your are wearable, then find a new pair tomorrow. We are not shoes, we should not be treated as such. Would you want to be treated like an old pair of shoes? Something someone can go back to when all else fails?

When you make a commitment to something or someone, stick with it. Otherwise, decide ahead of time that you don't want to commit to anything until you've done some growing up. 

Until We Meet Again (Poem)

Shadows dancing in the moonlight,
starless sky, a dull darkness.
The moon, full and bright
its radiance caresses the earth.

Bathing in the essence,
only asking to always shine
even through the darkness,
until we meet again.

Looking at the moon,
watching her every move.
Never feeling completely alone,
knowingly sharing her light.

A cool breeze blows.
Clouds try to cover her beauty,
but she only glows brighter.
Dawn will come soon,
until we meet again. -km

This Fight Is Different

I am not quitting this fight, I will continue to fight no matter what. In the past, I would've given into this weakness, I would have given up. I don't want that weakness anymore. For life, for love, I will continue to fight. Not taking the easy way out, not running away, but to stay strong, brave, and true. I fight for what I want, til my last breath I promise you, to fight forever.

When things got rough, it was easy to run the other way. All that has caused me to do, is to constantly look back. I don't want to look back anymore, because I know there is a better and brighter future. Together. Solitary, life at its greatest point, but long enough it's waited to become more. Missing something greater, not necessarily making one better or worse, disconnected from the puzzle.

Stronger than ever, but I am still me. Head is on straight, heart not made of stone or ice. Optimism in the soul, reality at hand. Nothing to prove, nothing to gain from fighting to win. This fight is different. It is not war, or battle to be won. Nor a competition or race to the finish. This fight is not just for love, for life, or for whatever it is worth fighting for. It is so much more than that.

Clear as day, not a cloud to sway the mind in a different direction. Standing tall and true, tested, tried, and defeated. Dirty, but destined to not stay on the ground and weep. Defeated, but for true victory... to rise above and to continue forth, that is what I plan to do.

I won't give up.

Just Keep Fighting (Poem)

Feeling so frozen inside,
confused and angry.
Knowing this isn't the end,
fighting, just keep fighting.

The water is ice cold,
body starts to go numb.
Barely breathing,
barely holding on.

Wreckage floats by, grabbing hold.
Everything hurts, body stinging everywhere.
Clinging for dear life, fighting...
just keep fighting.

Stars are out, moon shines bright
waters start to go still, winds die down.
Shaking and shivering, close thine eyes.
So much pain, fades into the night. -km

Writing About My Son

The best way to describe Thomas would be this; he is like a flame, short of water nothing can put it out. Lately, the people around him are like firewood, and sometimes they can be the air that fuels an explosion. He also feeds off of the emotions of those around him, so I try to remain positive and calm when we are in the same room. We have our moments, but for the most part, our relationship has gotten better. I think now he understands that I am his mother, and everyone else is just another adult in the house.

My son was diagnosed with mild Autism, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) a couple years ago, and I have been working with quite a few people to get some help for him. We've been to the doctor, the pediatrician, social thinking groups, school psychologists, parent classes, seminars for Autism and ADHD, and have tried other local resources. Once we tried medication, but it was ineffective and stopped taking it. He has been taking natural supplements for a while now, and it seems to be more effective than anything else we've tried. 

He was also diagnosed with Encopresis, a very difficult problem pertaining the bowels. He developed a fear of using the toilet, one being that someone scared him because of the toilet overflowing. The other being that he is sensitive to sounds, so he doesn't like to use them. It gets to be complicated when trying to get him to sit down and try, becomes a bigger fight, making it more traumatic... so I just wait until he calms down to get him to try. Most of the time I can get him on there, but other influences are not helping at all. So he hides himself, locks himself in the bathroom, and gets backed up causing pain and discomfort. So I have to give him Miralax to get it moving again, so he won't be in so much pain. It's hard and trying to get help with this one is very difficult to find.

What defeats the purpose of me trying so hard to help him, is those around us that don't want to help. If he deserves praise at a certain time, he damn well better get it from everyone. If he deserves discipline for something, he damn well better get it. That has always been a struggle, which in the end, has caused nothing but a power struggle for him and the adults in his life. Making school difficult, by thinking he doesn't have to listen to the teachers when he is asked to do something. His cussing is out of hand at school and only sometimes at home. But, I would like to point out that his outbursts are happening a lot less at home. Progress is being made, and I am hopefully that it will only get better.

He is smart, he is funny, he is a handsome little guy, he is creative, stubborn, and strong-willed. He has such a sense of humor, that most people we run into compliments on how children his age don't have that kind of sense of humor. He is only 8 years old, and when people talk with him they always assume that he is older than he really is. He is sweet, caring, loving, and protective. At times he can be reckless, loud, and rambunctious. Life would be boring without him, and I can't imagine not having him around. Although we've had our issues, I really enjoy being a stay-at-home mom with him. I just wish that him and I were in a better situation.

Behind Closed Doors

Am I a hideous creature, damned to the depths of darkness... where no light shall shine upon this grotesque figure. No ones eyes should be forced to see into mine, or they'll be turned to stone. Cannot touch me in the sunlight, otherwise that someone will catch fire. For others, I will just be designated as the ugly fat friend. Why is it that I am only acceptable behind closed doors?

Am I a cruel human being, who has not done right by others? Have I done something in this life, or past, that has corrupted any chance to feel anything other than sadness? Am I hopelessly romantic, or is it just hopeless? Will I only be remembered when someone needs something from me?

This is not real. This is just a nightmare that someone never woke up from. Am I that someone? Will this nightmare ever end? It feels so real, what I would give to never feel again. Turn to stone, my heart ice cold, frozen in time to never love again. Tears dry and cease to exist, for there would be no reason to cry anymore. Words are firm and cold, not harsh, but they've lost their softness. Touch becomes rigid and unwelcomed, a hug seems to feel more like a trap than a warm invitation. Everything that tastes and smells... lost its delicacy. Turn to ash in the mouth, smells foul to the nose. The body starts to reject anything that isn't death itself.

*****************************************

I love myself. I know who I am. I don't need others in my life to confirm those affirmations. Though, I do have every right to question why the men in my life could never be proud to be with me.

I was going to start talking about every person, but I think I will just leave it at this right now. Even if I did talk about someone else, of course I would change their name. I think eventually I will start writing it all down, but for now, this is a taste of what it feels like. What it felt like, how it feels now... how it all just fills me with sadness.

Be sure to check out my last few posts if you've missed them. I haven't posted links for them, so some of them haven't been read at all. Thank you for taking the time to endure my healing process with me.

Take A Risk... With Me.

Feeling an urge to write, so I think I will write to my hearts content right now.

I have been through some crazy things in my life, but not so much of a regret rings loudly. I have had relationships, friendships, death,  drama, and education. Just like everyone else, I have experience a part of life that everyone goes through. I also believe that I experience things different, not pessimistically as some would have thought. I just have a different way of perceiving and processing things that go on.

For one, life is full of opportunity and I haven't quite figured out how to grasp it. I've never had the chance to experience it on my own. No regrets, I wouldn't change anything and I wouldn't go back to fix it. I could give a million and one excuses as to why I feel so held back. I can't blame anyone but myself... but in some cases I can. I was never taught real freedom. To have the ability to hop in a car and go wherever I wanted to at that moment. Not having a car has taught me to rely on others to get me somewhere. If I couldn't get there on foot, I would need a ride. Most people don't mind, but I know that it can be inconvenient at times. One of the reasons why I hate asking for help. Always feeling like an inconvenience. No one, in particular, ever made me feel that way... I did that to myself. The constant low self esteem and not knowing what good I had in me to be a better person.

When I lived in the city, I was able to rely on my own two feet to get me to where I needed to be. Being able to do that, alone, was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. It was a great feeling. Then I got a job where there was no transportation and no way to get home... back to relying on someone to come get me. So then later on I get a job closer by bus and during hours of business. Met some really great people, finally found a place where I fit in.. but something still felt missing. I missed my friends and I am crying... but I am not crying because I miss my friends. I was crying because I felt like I let someone down. I felt like I failed and I felt selfish.

The world wasn't out to get me, I was out to get me... sabotaging everything going well in my life. BUT people in my life don't make that very easy either. I am so SICK of being the bad guy every time something happens. It's not fair that I have to beat myself down because someone disagrees with me. I finally get a moment of clarity, high on life, confidence, strength, and determination... and something happens. SOMEONE got upset that my life was getting better. I let these people get to me and I let them destroy myself. (PITY ME PITY ME) (no wait... DON'T).

I am not asking for sympathy, or pity. I am simply writing down what I feel is right to write down. There is so much more that I want to say, and I am not sure if I will be able to say it all. I just want my readers to know one thing.

That I love you. Thank you for taking the time out of your crazy busy lives and reading what I have to say. Thank you for putting up with me. I do not apologize for being me, but I apologize for seeming so pessimistic. I am an Over Analytical Realist, who likes to have plans, to do lists, and organization. WITH days of feeling scattered and messy, just to feel human. I am NOT perfect, so please, please, please, stop expecting me to be. I am here. I am me. Love me.

Letting It Go

I was looking for something to help me get through my issues of not letting go. I really need to find a way to forget what everyone else thinks of me, or the life I have chosen. My past has created the person I am today, but I need to remember that it made me who I am and that it doesn't still make me who I am tomorrow. Live and learn. Lived and Learn. Time to move on from that and start anew.

I want to stop feeling like a failure, and just feel like me again. To not care about what others do, or why they do it. To feel like I am in control of my future and every step I make to get there. I am sick of being where I am now, and I know that I can do so much more. To know that I am capable of feeling loved, without those who don't weigh me down. To stop being insecure because of comments or looks that I get while out and about. 

I know what I am capable of, I see what I can do if I just let go, I hear the greatness and I need to hold on to that. There are those out there that do love me, regardless of the dumb things I do or say. There are those who would support me, despite my choices. I want to trust again without feeling like it will be broken. To set lower expectations of everything around me, except myself. I know I can do better.

Some people still have a hold on me and I want to break that. What they say or do makes a big impact on how I am feeling, and it effects me in a very negative way. Tired of feeling like I am drowning in sorrows and failures. When I should be enjoying my own awesomeness. I am not conceited, I am proud of who I am and who I want to be. I don't want to sit around and wait for someone else to make my choices for me. Getting a job, going to school, what career field I should choose, where I want to live. Or even as simple as what book to read, or TV show to watch, or what to eat. (Which is another thing I need to discuss). This is my life and I need to be in control of it. I think if I can do that, then I won't have the need to control anything or anyone else.

SO... here is a list I found online of things that I need/want to work on. Going to print it out and start making a difference where it counts. With the only person that it matters for. Myself.

#1 Letting the opinions of others control your life.

       - It's not what others think, it's what you think about yourself that counts.

       - You have to do exactly what's best for you and your life, not what's best for everyone else.

#2 The Shame of past failures

      - Your past does not equal your future

      - All that matters is what you do right now

#3 Being indecisive about what you want

      - You will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be

      - Make a decision to figure out what you want, and then pursue it passionately.

#4 Procrastinating on the goals that matter to you

      - There are two primary choices in life: To accept conditions as they exist, or accept the       responsibility for changing them.

      - The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.

#5 Choosing to do nothing

      - You don't get to choose how you are going to die or when, you can only decide how you are going to live right now.

      - Every day is a new chance to choose.

#6 Your need to be right

      - Aim for success but never give up your right to be wrong. Because when you do you will lose the ability to learn new things and move on with your life.

#7 Running away from problems that should be fixed

      - Stop Running! Period. Face reality, face your problems.. Move on.

#8 Making excuses rather than decisions.

      - Most long term failures are the outcome of people making excuses instead of taking decisions

#9 Overlooking the positive points in your life.

      - What you see often depends entirely of what you are looking for.

      - Be thankful for the good things in your life right now. If not.. you will never be happy.

#10 Not appreciating the present moment.. the NOW

      - Too often we concentrate on doing something big without realizing that it is the small things in life that keep us going.

Almost A Month Ago

Now that it is the beginning of April and I haven’t done a lot of writing that I've wanted to do, it is time to just get back into the habit of doing so. I am currently involved in a 30-day challenge to reconnect with nature, outdoors, and just being unplugged. I would love to start handwriting again, but I think it would take away from just being connected to nature. As much as I love writing, I need to focus on the inner part of me.

Here’s why. I am falling apart once again, and in dire need of finding myself. I feel like I am in a losing battle of the many decisions/choices needed to be made, in order to get myself to the next step in my life. So much worrying and added stress, it is really starting to weigh me down in more ways than one. Not only is my life affected by it, but my son’s as well. Are everyone else’s choices/decisions at the best interests of my son’s life? Or even my life? I am at this point in my life where I am SICK of other people making decisions/choices for my life. Why does my life have to continue revolving around everyone else’s and not my own? Why am I not the center of my universe? Because people think that I am too weak to be on my own.

From the beginning I have never been alone, why, because NO ONE has given me that chance to be on my own. I've always been surrounded by people, always making my life second to everyone else around me. I don’t regret having a child and never will I ever make that out to be a mistake. I've just never had the chance to ever think about myself and be just for myself. I chose that, it was not forced on me. What else I chose was to be with someone who didn't want to be with just me. I chose to make my life the way it is… but why can I not blame for what has happened to me? I am solely responsible for my life, but the course of my life hasn't been just me.

I am shutting down, shutting out, and letting go. No more influence, no more opinions, comments, or whatever… No more talking to anyone about anything. I am my own person and I will do what I want. There are no consequences for making my life better and the way I want it to be. It just SUCKS that it took me this long to figure it out. I've known what I want to do, I've just always been talked out of doing something because I let myself believe that people knew me better than I did. The only people I need in my life are the ones that support me 100%, no matter what I decided. Love me or hate me, life needs to go on.

I hope, by the next time I post, that I will be a different person. I will be someone who still cares and loves the people in my life, but no longer taking the bull shit thrown at me. This is MY life and no one else’s, and I plan to keep it that way.

I still plan to learn new things, new languages, new research… but on a much smaller scale than what I have been forcing onto myself. One step at a time and I plan to start with my 30 day challenge of being reconnected with nature.

My Views About Communication

From the time we are born, to the time of our death, communication is something that should be treasured along with life. When we are young, we are taught to use our words when we want something or have the need to express what it is we are feeling. Then, into adulthood, we are encouraged to communicate in our relationships, as well as our jobs, our education, or even with others around the world.

Throughout childhood, we are told to use our words to tell others how we are feeling, or to ask for things. Then when we talk too much, we are told to be quiet and to stop talking, for some reason or another. We are too loud, too talkative, too inquisitive, or too noisy for today’s adults. So, for some, it could turn into needing attention in negative ways, or turning inward for support from themselves. Not creating a healthy relationship with communication, or those around who are supposed to be your support.

By the time we are teenagers, it’s almost as if we are discouraged to say anything, or ask any questions. Yet, the adults are disappointed by the choices made by teenagers and they don’t understand why those choices were made. It couldn't be that they felt ignored, judged, and alone when they were children that they had to grow up faster, just so they can answer questions for themselves. Or turn into delinquents, causing trouble as a cry for attention they never got as a child. Some may grow out of it and some may not, but it’s ultimately about the outcome and the goal that had to be reached.

Then, coming into adulthood, we have relationships through love, friends, jobs, schools, and continued with family. Not all, but some relationships will fail because of the lack of communication going on between each other. One side could be that one doesn't simply know how to communicate because of the way they were raised. Another could be that lies and deceit are the only ways to communicate. Or one believes in communication and the other does not. So many factors can be involved with this situation, it’s hard to pinpoint why so many relationships fail because of miscommunication.

I believe that from lack of communication, other habits are created and they can either be good or bad. Assumptions are being made because no one can talk to each other about what is really going on. Over-Analysis may also be a condition having no communication with others. Always over-thinking as to why or why not something is going on. This causes anxiety, worry, depression, and low self-esteem all because of not talking about it with people we are supposed to trust.

If we were allowed to say anything we wanted, without judgment or ridicule, than life today may have a few less problems. The beauty that comes along with communication could change the way that people think, the way people cope with everyday life, and the way things would be handled if everything was put out there. Granted that some things should never be said, but would such things exist if everything was allowed to be said or questioned?

Imagine where we would be is there was no miscommunication. Do you think that some miscommunication should be a normal part of our lives? Maybe for some, miscommunication is a blessing in disguise. But for most, I believe that it is the root of most problems with our society today. Change our ways, start with our children. Encourage them to talk, but don’t force it, and let it come to them naturally. Build that relationship.

Digging Deeper into the Core

I don’t like being played and yet it continues to happen. From the minute I wake up, to the minute I fall asleep, I live in this fear of never truly being loved. Being a part of something, that is supposed to be so grand, and I can’t find anything worth raving about. From family and friends to being married, there isn’t anything more confusing than love.

Family, the one you are born into. It can either be great or it can destroy your very definition of the word Family. Mother, Father, brothers, sisters, and they can live together, never fall apart and be considered the “perfect” family. But what people don’t see is that they might all hate each other. Forced to live with each other, like one another, and doomed to be together.

I am the outcast in my family; you might as well call me the runt of the litter. I guess, since the beginning, I have been the weird and strange one. Doesn’t matter what it is that I like, it will always be weird to them. I am tired of the way that they make me feel, just because of my life choices. It’s my life, why should I be chained down by my choices rather than sailing with them? By the choices that I have made, I am bound by them? NO. Those choices are in the past and they are a continued force in my future, only because I want them to be not because they have to be. People make mistakes, and people’s mistakes are only those because people have made them out to be so. I don’t see my choices as mistakes. Yes, so maybe they were fully planned choices or thought all the way through, but I don’t regret them. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I had any regrets from past choices that I have made. It is time to move on, to move forward. Without the guilt, the pain, and the doubt put there by others.

As for friends, I have had a few. Good or bad, they were or are people that have come into my life for a reason. I don’t like to look at having friends for a purpose. People come and go, and it’s at their own risk. I have learned who to talk to, who to trust, and who to not stay away from but to avoid certain conversations with.  I have been inspired, motivated, pressured, hated, surprised, and confused by the word friendship. I am more aware of who to surround myself with, and who to keep at a distance. Trust is a huge issue, always has and probably always will be. You can’t trust everyone, but you can trust the ones who never crossed you. That quote, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”, I don’t agree with that at all. I think if this were true, we’d make more enemies than we would make friends. With that, I treasure the ones who have been kind, I forgive the ones who weren’t, and I decide who gets my trust and who gets my company.

I’ve probably said it before, but I have never felt so used in my entire life. Then again, I have just felt used from the time I started to remember things. To this day, I thought I just had a kind heart. One who felt like helping people, and doing the right thing. I never wanted anything, except friendship and acceptance, in return. I thought it was selfish to want anything else in return. I’ve come to realize that, if you can’t accept yourself for who you are, then why would anyone else?

Acceptance, the last topic for tonight's post. I have accepted myself for who I am, so why am I still looking for acceptance from those around me. People should either love me for who I am or hate me for what they see. I think a large part of what is really wrong, underneath everything else, is the lack of communication. The key to a healthy relationship is having the ability to talk to each other. If you can’t talk to each other, how will you know if something is working or if something needs to be worked on? This will be my topic for the next journal entry. For now, goodnight.

The Value of an Apology

What is your view/opinion/etc about Apologies? Do you think they are effective? Do you believe that they should mean something? Will you teach children the value of it and follow those values as well?

From the beginning of time, children have been taught to apologize for hurting someone else. They are taught to accept those apologies when they feel the time is right. Most children bounce back and accept it right away, maybe some will take a moment to think about it, and rarely some take more than a day to respond. Children apologize to their friends, schoolmates, siblings, and even apologize to their parents. As adults, do we accept that apology wholeheartedly or we just acknowledge the fact that they "have" to say it?

I understand that things will never be the same after having to apologize for something, but it takes strength for people to say they are sorry. Admitting that they did something to hurt someone, admitting that they acted wrongfully... and willingly stood up, took a chance, and apologized. It takes greater strength to accept an apology, to show someone that you can move passed certain things.

The only difference is that I believe an apology should come from both parties. Not just one, always feeling like they have to apologize to the other... Nobody is perfect, why should the one doing the forgiving... be the only one to forgive?

Now I come back around. People teach their children to apologize, but in turn don't apologize or believe in the apology at all. Hypocrisy at its best. Don't teach your child values that you don't believe in. I fully believe in apologies, I think that they do some good in teaching how to move forward instead of dwelling on one thing. Yes, it changes things... but nothing really ever stays the same? We grow, we learn, we move on.

Degradation

Just for the past 8 years, my life has had its ups and downs. Like everyone else, I got through them and moved on. One thing that bothers me to this day is how little people have made me feel. Now, I know that people shouldn't affect me that way... but if you know me by now, some people have that affect on me and I still can't figure out why. The worse thing that people could do is degrade and belittle you... but what makes it 10x worse then that? Doing it in front of your child for so long that he starts to do it too.

Ever since my son was born, our relationship has been compromised. I spent so much time working, that he had to spend a lot of time with other family members. They now claim that they are more like a parent to him, and some of them say that to me while he is in the room. We move away and I go right back to working, not getting the chance to really spend time with my son. At this point, I just wanted to be a mom and nothing else... but I had to keep working.

Not everyone knows what goes on behind close doors and believes that everything is just sunshine and freaking rainbows. I post a lot of my anger online because it is the only way to get it out, without regret. Life is not perfect, life is hard. BUT you know what? I AM STILL HERE. I've seen people go out by taking their own life, there are many ways to do it... I have been so depressed, down to the point of suicidal, but deep down I knew, I KNEW, that there was more to life than just sadness, darkness, and loneliness..

I have found joy in being a mother to a child who is beautiful, smart, creative, active, sweet, talented, and full of life. I know that most days he has really great moments, the ones that make you smile and feel like you did something right. The moments that you treasure forever in your memories and share them with others. When he remembers to use his manners, or does something nice without having to be asked, or just says "Mom, I love you" and not have any strings attached to it. When he runs up to give you a big hug because he missed you.

When things seem so right, all hell breaks loose and when it breaks... it shatters. Arguments start and words are flying, hurtful, painful words that can never really be taken back. Most people say, "Oh, he doesn't mean it. He is just angry and upset and he loves you." Most people I hear that... aren't parents themselves. As a mother, I have to say that either way, it still freakin' hurts when your kids yells at you saying horrible things. "I don't love you, I don't need you, so-and-so loves me more, I hate you, you are not my mother...." and more. You can't compare that to any other type of relationship because being a mother is forever.

No matter what, I will love my child more than anyone else on this planet... and every day I will make things right between him and me. Tired of people letting him think that I am not good enough to be his mother. Just like ANY mother, I try my damned hardest to make everything work. I have NEVER left him behind, nor will I EVER! So WHY should I be the one to feel this way? I won't say NEVER AGAIN, but I know that will not be true. BUT I am so sick of being mistreated, tossed aside, thrown away, and replaced like I was nothing but a pair of old shoes.

The Darkness of Rock Bottom

Fear, it is such a driving force. It can be overwhelming at times, but not in the times when needed. Maybe that is just it, it is only at the times when you don't think you need it. One moment, you go from one thought to the thought that could change everything. Then you go from that thought, get lost in the adrenaline rush, and then come crashing down.

How can you have a fear of living on the edge, when you've never really lived? Feeling trapped, imprisoned, with nowhere to go. You can only blame yourself... but really, can you? You feel as though you've tried so hard, and it only comes across as nothing had been done at all. Screw what other people think about it, but then, there is that fear again. Fear of rejection, of never being good enough, and NOT knowing why. You tried your hardest... but really, did you?

These chains keeping you nailed to the ground, they can be broken. Don't spend so much time trying to figure out how you got here. Spend more time on how to get out of that situation, your life is depending on it. Too much time spent thinking, can either lead to more trouble or it can get you out of it. Courage, strength, and the ability to stay calm can really help with this process. Just wish patience was a little easier to come by.

Struggling makes you feel alive. REALLY? Suffering is a sign that good things are coming. REALLY? There is only so much struggling and suffering a person can take. Soon, it turns into anger, rage, and hatred. A once solid, pure heart of gold, turned to stone because of this bitterness. The darkness of rock bottom is consuming, not because you let it but because when all you've seen is darkness it becomes you. Then, you are supposed to learn how to live a life of light. It's ok to have some down times or sadness, but not excessive. Mostly because the other person doesn't want that. Well, did anyone ever think that maybe they should help that person? Rather than to make them feel worse than they already do. It's not the other person's responsibility to make the sun shine, but just recognizing that darkness is a factor would be helpful in itself.

I am not always a pessimist, I don't always see or feel darkness, but it is there. Fear of Failure. For always being a failure and never knowing when something wasn't a failure. Even when good happens, I don't know how to embrace it. As soon as something good comes along, I enjoy it for a brief moment and for some UNGODLY reason, someone else's opinion MATTERS. Some examples:

I graduated high school! Awesome... for a second. "You barely graduated."
I gave birth to an amazing little boy! Amazing, nothing tops the feeling of greatness until "There is something wrong with him."
I got married! The way I wanted to, with the people I wanted to share it with until... "It'll never last."

I know that I still treasure those moments, close to my heart... but there is that nagging feeling. You might know the one... the one that gnaws at your very soul, your chest hurts, your breathing becomes shallow because of the pain. Your entire body tenses up, you head is spinning with thoughts... THEN you wake up, feel your body become this weighted emptiness. You slowly take deeper breaths, your body starts to relax, your mind regains focus and clarity. The gnawing feeling becomes a dull pain because it never really goes away. Some days are better than others, and I try to focus on the greatness.

Sorry for my darkness, but it is a part of me. One day it won't be the part that completely takes over. For now, I take life one day at a time. No more talk of the future, because tomorrow is never guaranteed. No more dwelling on the past because all it is, is darkness waiting to consume my soul. My focus is allowing myself to feel the good. Even though I am surrounded by people who constantly tear me down, I must rise above that and become my own person again. One day I will completely live my life for myself and no one else.

Forgive Me

So, I know that I have made a lot of empty promises to do something different. It seems like once I get something started, I never finish it. This time I don't want to make any promises because things happen, and I can't control every situation that comes along. I want to put the focus back where it counts, on me. I feel that I have been lacking as a person, and I need to get back in touch with who I am. I have been a crappy person to a lot of people, and I want that to change.

First and foremost, I want to forgive myself for letting go of who I am and becoming who I never wanted to be. Second, I hope that those who I have wronged will forgive me. There are no excuses to be had, I have been horrible and it's not ok. I have been selfish, hypocritical, and anti-social... among other things that people might say. It's not what others think about me that bother me... it's the fact that this is true, and I need to change that.

I have an amazing husband who would move far away to get a job, so that he can make a difference for our future. I have taken that for granted. I took every piece of it and shredded it apart... to make the worst out of it. I never gave up, I just became overly pessimistic and angry. Mostly because I was terrified as to what has been going on. Certain circumstances as to where I was going to end up. No excuse can make up for what I've done or what I've said, I just hope that it can stay in the past, and we can move forward. I want to leave the past where it is and focus on now, today. I hope you can understand that.

As for my friends... I feel like I have let you all down is some way. I don't call or text very often, I wish I could visit more often too. The hard part for me is that... I find out things from other people instead of from the person. I blame myself for not reaching out enough, to find things out myself. I know people are busy with jobs, new kids, new places, and they don't have a lot of time to spend online or on the phone... but I want to find a way to reconnect, even if I have to handwrite letters and send them by snail mail. I need to be better at communicating with my friends.

During a conversation last night, with one of my dearest friends, I have come to realize a lot of things that I need to work on. Starting with my New Year's Resolution, loving myself more. I have accepted myself for who I am on the outside, but not so much of who I am on the inside. A few things need to change, so that I know I can love myself again. Then, I have also realized that I am really hard on myself for things that I cannot control. I really need to cut myself a break, sit back, and take a long look at the accomplishments I have made, rather than the things I haven't done. I also want the optimism, the positivity, and the confidence back in my life. No promises, but change takes time... and with time, one step, one deep breath.

Thank you to those who have stuck by me... in my dark times, my weird moments, my crazy ideas, and my insane mood swings. I appreciate each and every one of you.