Imagine

I don't want to imagine what my life will be like anymore. I want to do something with it, right now. Which is why I am taking a break from Facebook. Sick of seeing what my life would be like somewhere else... when I am still right where I am.

Not tomorrow or next week. Not a year from now, or even 5 to 10 years from now. Today, right now in this very moment. Things are going to change, things are going to be different, and I am ok with that. I need change, it's part of being human. Being adaptable.

People watching is something I do on occasion. I see those who are the drones in their everyday lives. I see the routines that never change. I see the ones that have that spark in their eyes, and the ones who are just in the zone. How do you get to where you are, without being in the moment? By thinking ahead about the more you want and the more you need. Then what do you do when you have it all?

Finding that one thing that makes you feel alive again. Just don't forget about the ones you have around you.

My Heart Breaks While I Write

Believe it or not, it is really hard to write a lot of what I am feeling. Mostly because I don't want to say the wrong things, and have someone hate me for it.

Well, here's the thing. That person already walked out of my life, drove away, and never returned. But I am supposed to sit here, continually being strung along... hoping that things will work out. Manipulated into thinking that things are going to get better... when in all reality, it has never been true.

One word comes to mind about how I am feeling at this exact moment.

Abandoned

I know that I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I screw up. I get angry, upset, loud, or quiet. I didn't force you out, I didn't make you leave. I never made you choose.

The problem is, I still want this to work. Why? Because I believe that anything is possible. Even after all that has happened.

Seems to be going quite well, without us... then obviously, you don't need or want us.

It doesn't matter that I am crying, or that I am distraught over this... because I don't think at any point in time, that I ever mattered. Like I said, prove me wrong. You just haven't given me any reason to trust, to believe. This is what you want?

I Won't Wait Forever

I've always talked about starting over, changing my life. The hard part was not knowing where to start. Taking that first step, but not knowing what direction. I'm fed up with wanting this thing to happen, just want it to start already. So, I am stuck in this situation I don't want to be in anymore. It is toxic.

Words to describe my life. A little mixed between the greatness and the darkness:

• Anguish
• Depressing
• Lonely
• Deteriorating
• Infuriating
• Lost
• Frustrating
• Anxious
• Crying
• Trying
• Surviving
• Weakness
• Strength
• Laughing
• Living
• Crushed
• Brokenhearted
• Drowning
• Beginning
• Stuck
• Breathless
• Struggling
• Controlled
• Too trusting
• Played
• Manipulated
• Lied to
• Aching

Probably a bit more darkness in that list, but it's what comes to mind at the moment. I am in a place where the frustration within me needs to be set free. Writing does that for me. "Talking" about it helps, but it doesn't solve anything. 

I am officially deactivating my Facebook account for awhile. I am sick of feeling "addicted" to it. Having to check it every so often, can't step away from it. Yes, I have an addictive personality and I am trying to work on that as well. Need to find a healthy way of living this life without the obsession of the "things" around me. I am not materialistic in any way. Once, someone told me that I wouldn't be happy with a $100 bill even if it was crispy and brand new. Well, I hate money... so of course that statement is true. BUT, the point here is that I am not happy. Though at the same time, I am. I just need to prove to MYSELF, that I don't need someone or something else to rely on. I have someone in my life that relies on me, and I need to be there for him. 

I spend too much time thinking about someone else, and things that will never happen. Someone who walked out on me. Out on us. Wants nothing to do with us. Yes, I am finally able to say it... even if I am near tears. What else is there to believe... when proof enough is that it's been almost 2 years. Communication is almost non-existent. Not my fault. 

If you don't believe in me, then what makes me think that I can believe in you. They call it faith. I call it reality. The past no longer is the reason either. It's what you do now that makes me question everything.

If it's not true, prove me wrong. Actions speak louder than words. Even words would speak louder than the silence. PROVE ME WRONG, and I will change my attitude towards this whole thing. I won't wait forever.

Peaceful Chaos (Poem)

Thunderstorm collides with the raging sea,
a force like no other, capturing such beauty.
At one time it was peaceful
almost like glass, strong and still.

Such chaos from the storm,
shattering the stillness.
Ripples turned into waves,
soft whispers turned into loud crashes.

Lightning striking the waters below,
taking any survivors to the depths.
Thrashing what little hope remained,
for those struggling to hang on.

As quickly as it had started,
just like that, gone in a blink of an eye.
The storm was over,
stillness and peace restored.

But What Do I Know?

I am so tired of walking on eggshells in every relationship I am in. Watching what I say, constantly, to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. Knowing that what I'm feeling and what I'm hearing are two different things. But one thing I know for sure, I'm sick of being lied it. Honesty went out with chivalry, to me it no longer exists.

Many things that make two different things. For one, finding something to talk about vs. talking about something that interests the listener. There are a million and one things to talk about, but knowing which ones to talk about can be a bit mind boggling. Someone might like talking about movies and books, but the other person is more interested in science and technology. Either way, conversation should be a two-way street. Willingness to listen, and being capable of sparking conversation no matter how "boring" it may seem. Acknowledge what the conversation is and build from it. Just try.

There are a lot of things that I would love to talk about. Are you willing to listen to them, not to pretend you're interested, but to actually make conversation about it? I am always willing to listen to what others have to say. I also love a great chance to have a debate about certain topics. If I don't know about something, I will most likely research it. Doesn't have to be something that I particularly like or it could be something that I may like later on. I'm open minded to every idea. I don't necessarily have to agree with you, but I'll do my research first.

I've talked a lot about communication, and how it is the key to our survival. It takes two or more to make some kind of communication to get started. There has to be a want on both sides, otherwise the other feels left high and dry. Then it trickles down to feeling uninteresting, boring, or just plain stupid. Dumb enough to wonder why they even choose to speak at all. Closing themselves off to the world, thinking that they should just shut up forever.

But what do I know, I'm just a stay at home mom with a high school education and no life experience. Who has never wanted anything more...