The Darkness of Rock Bottom

Fear, it is such a driving force. It can be overwhelming at times, but not in the times when needed. Maybe that is just it, it is only at the times when you don't think you need it. One moment, you go from one thought to the thought that could change everything. Then you go from that thought, get lost in the adrenaline rush, and then come crashing down.

How can you have a fear of living on the edge, when you've never really lived? Feeling trapped, imprisoned, with nowhere to go. You can only blame yourself... but really, can you? You feel as though you've tried so hard, and it only comes across as nothing had been done at all. Screw what other people think about it, but then, there is that fear again. Fear of rejection, of never being good enough, and NOT knowing why. You tried your hardest... but really, did you?

These chains keeping you nailed to the ground, they can be broken. Don't spend so much time trying to figure out how you got here. Spend more time on how to get out of that situation, your life is depending on it. Too much time spent thinking, can either lead to more trouble or it can get you out of it. Courage, strength, and the ability to stay calm can really help with this process. Just wish patience was a little easier to come by.

Struggling makes you feel alive. REALLY? Suffering is a sign that good things are coming. REALLY? There is only so much struggling and suffering a person can take. Soon, it turns into anger, rage, and hatred. A once solid, pure heart of gold, turned to stone because of this bitterness. The darkness of rock bottom is consuming, not because you let it but because when all you've seen is darkness it becomes you. Then, you are supposed to learn how to live a life of light. It's ok to have some down times or sadness, but not excessive. Mostly because the other person doesn't want that. Well, did anyone ever think that maybe they should help that person? Rather than to make them feel worse than they already do. It's not the other person's responsibility to make the sun shine, but just recognizing that darkness is a factor would be helpful in itself.

I am not always a pessimist, I don't always see or feel darkness, but it is there. Fear of Failure. For always being a failure and never knowing when something wasn't a failure. Even when good happens, I don't know how to embrace it. As soon as something good comes along, I enjoy it for a brief moment and for some UNGODLY reason, someone else's opinion MATTERS. Some examples:

I graduated high school! Awesome... for a second. "You barely graduated."
I gave birth to an amazing little boy! Amazing, nothing tops the feeling of greatness until "There is something wrong with him."
I got married! The way I wanted to, with the people I wanted to share it with until... "It'll never last."

I know that I still treasure those moments, close to my heart... but there is that nagging feeling. You might know the one... the one that gnaws at your very soul, your chest hurts, your breathing becomes shallow because of the pain. Your entire body tenses up, you head is spinning with thoughts... THEN you wake up, feel your body become this weighted emptiness. You slowly take deeper breaths, your body starts to relax, your mind regains focus and clarity. The gnawing feeling becomes a dull pain because it never really goes away. Some days are better than others, and I try to focus on the greatness.

Sorry for my darkness, but it is a part of me. One day it won't be the part that completely takes over. For now, I take life one day at a time. No more talk of the future, because tomorrow is never guaranteed. No more dwelling on the past because all it is, is darkness waiting to consume my soul. My focus is allowing myself to feel the good. Even though I am surrounded by people who constantly tear me down, I must rise above that and become my own person again. One day I will completely live my life for myself and no one else.

Forgive Me

So, I know that I have made a lot of empty promises to do something different. It seems like once I get something started, I never finish it. This time I don't want to make any promises because things happen, and I can't control every situation that comes along. I want to put the focus back where it counts, on me. I feel that I have been lacking as a person, and I need to get back in touch with who I am. I have been a crappy person to a lot of people, and I want that to change.

First and foremost, I want to forgive myself for letting go of who I am and becoming who I never wanted to be. Second, I hope that those who I have wronged will forgive me. There are no excuses to be had, I have been horrible and it's not ok. I have been selfish, hypocritical, and anti-social... among other things that people might say. It's not what others think about me that bother me... it's the fact that this is true, and I need to change that.

I have an amazing husband who would move far away to get a job, so that he can make a difference for our future. I have taken that for granted. I took every piece of it and shredded it apart... to make the worst out of it. I never gave up, I just became overly pessimistic and angry. Mostly because I was terrified as to what has been going on. Certain circumstances as to where I was going to end up. No excuse can make up for what I've done or what I've said, I just hope that it can stay in the past, and we can move forward. I want to leave the past where it is and focus on now, today. I hope you can understand that.

As for my friends... I feel like I have let you all down is some way. I don't call or text very often, I wish I could visit more often too. The hard part for me is that... I find out things from other people instead of from the person. I blame myself for not reaching out enough, to find things out myself. I know people are busy with jobs, new kids, new places, and they don't have a lot of time to spend online or on the phone... but I want to find a way to reconnect, even if I have to handwrite letters and send them by snail mail. I need to be better at communicating with my friends.

During a conversation last night, with one of my dearest friends, I have come to realize a lot of things that I need to work on. Starting with my New Year's Resolution, loving myself more. I have accepted myself for who I am on the outside, but not so much of who I am on the inside. A few things need to change, so that I know I can love myself again. Then, I have also realized that I am really hard on myself for things that I cannot control. I really need to cut myself a break, sit back, and take a long look at the accomplishments I have made, rather than the things I haven't done. I also want the optimism, the positivity, and the confidence back in my life. No promises, but change takes time... and with time, one step, one deep breath.

Thank you to those who have stuck by me... in my dark times, my weird moments, my crazy ideas, and my insane mood swings. I appreciate each and every one of you.