Stepping Away

How do you step away from negativity? When you are surrounded by it, with nowhere to go. Anything you say is wrong, everything you do will never be good enough. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to know how to block it out, move past the harsh words, and not let it get to me. These people, they know exactly what to say... it not only gets under your skin, it becomes that voice in the back of your head. The one I fight all the time, telling myself that I am better than that.

I no longer want to live my family's motto, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". Gratitude goes a long way, being thankful for what you have and not resentful for what you never had. Stepping away from that bubble of darkness and loneliness. I have my strong points, but when it becomes a repetitive cycle... it eats away at your soul, your subconsciousness, always fighting to remember the better things.

There will always be people in your life, you are never completely alone. At least it is what I like to believe. There are people who lift you up, there are people who bring you down, and there are people who are just there. Most of the time, the people you are closest to will have your back, or they will stab you in the back. Some people even know how to help you, and then make you feel like a piece of shit. How do you not let that get to you?

Then there are the ones, who you never talk to... who start spreading rumors based off of something they concluded on their own. It is tiring to have to explain yourself, even when you never did anything wrong. The pointing of the fingers, the deception, and the things people say just to stir up problems... THAT NEVER EXISTED.

Either way, I am tired of fighting this feeling. People telling you that you are not a good mother, that you are not fit to be a mother, that you will never accomplish anything in life, that you were a mistake, a regret, they blame you for everything that went wrong in their life, and that it's your fault for not trying. Feeling manipulated is not a way of life. Always trying to figure out someone else's angle because there is usually a reason behind something. Not because you are paranoid, but because it's happened before.

Enough is enough. I'm stepping away. Not giving up, just not giving in either. It may seem like I am angry, but all I am really trying to do... is understand, because right now... I don't. I am far from perfect and I don't expect others to be. I am just lost in the idea of what love, trust, and family really are.

Hiding Behind The Mask (poem)

My reflection,
who I see and who I am are different.
Fear that it will never show
who I am on the inside.

What do people see?
Does it really matter?
Why do they judge me?
Should it not matter?

So much love to share with the world,
despite how upside my world is right now.
Feeling forgotten with time,
why am I so forgettable?

Reaching out to my reflection,
the image starts to ripple.
Perspective changes,
what I see is just a mask...

Hiding behind, in fear of being seen again.

A Different Kind of Feeling

Last week, I started using an app called C25k to help get me running again. It is a great training app that does intervals of running and walking, with a warm-up and cool down. A voice guides you along, letting you know when to walk, run, jog, warm up, cool down, lets you know when you are half way through, and when you complete the workout. It really has motivated me to get off my butt and get moving again.

My major goal right now, is to live long enough to see the world a little longer than predicted. Running will help me achieve that goal. What's great about it? It not only gets me motivated, my son wants to keep me going too! I found a way to show him that you can do anything, as long as you believe. To never give up, no matter how hard it gets.  Plus, it always helps to have someone cheering you on!

Along with my running, I have noticed a difference in my food habits. Yes, there are a couple times where I just want the worst thing for me (Oreos). Overall, I just want better things to eat so I don't lose that good feeling I get after a good run. Finally getting the chance to slowly wean off of processed foods. The last two times I have gotten fast food, they have made me sick. I am craving leafy greens, healthy fruits, other kinds of vegetables, incorporating more nuts (haha) into my lifestyle, and it feels great!

I will be honest, I was a blubbering mess this morning... did not want to get out of bed, but I did it. I put my shoes and socks on, started my running playlist, and walked outside. Thirty minutes later, I was alive, my head was clearer than when I started, and I knew that I didn't give up. I have completed 2 weeks of training with this app, and let me tell you, it is getting easier. The pain isn't as overwhelming anymore. I am also researching tips on breathing and shin splint prevention, looking up different types of shoes, body forms that really help prevent injury, and finding songs that better fit my tempo. Biggest accomplishment? Telling that little nagging voice in my head, that tells me that I can't do it, to SHUT UP! I know I can do this and I will. Its only 3 days a week for 30 minutes each day, I can't complain! Well, actually I can... there are days when I want to do another 30 minute program!! Now that is just amazing!

When I run, it is a different kind of feeling. I thought that driving would be the ultimate feeling of freedom, but for me, it no longer is. Running is one thing in life that I have always loved doing, but held back because of my weight. Not any more. I am going to take it easy so I don't hurt myself, but I am going to continue this endeavor until I have reached my goal. I will complete a 5k in my lifetime!