Heavy With Guilt (Poem)

What is this feeling, swirling
deep below the darkness?
Stirring, somewhere beyond the cold.
More than hope, stronger than that.

So used to feeling dead inside,
this feels new and different.
Somewhat refreshing to be able
to acknowledge life from within.

Remaining optimistic as this feeling
swells, growing stronger everyday.
Feeling lighter, as if the weight is being
lifted, taken away, gradually.

Careful not to take it all back,
the weight that crushed these shoulders.
Unbearably heavy with guilt,
slowly starts to fade away.

I Still Love You (Poem)

My heart,
it does not bleed for you.
My soul,
it does not belong to you.

My tears,
no longer fall for you.
My words,
they are not meant for you.

My life,
is not to be manipulated.
My heart,
it is not to be played with.

My love for you,
remains the same.
Regardless of what has happened,
or what you've put me through.

Sometimes It Just Doesn't Matter

It just doesn't matter, I mean, why should it?

You feel sad, and you want to talk to your friends about it... "Drama Queen" "Get over yourself" "Move On"

What if something happened to me, and I was no longer here... would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone miss me? I guess it wouldn't matter...

But it does matter, to me. I'm still here, yet I feel so alone.

"the world is not out to get you..." Of course it isn't, never thought it was.

Why I even write these blogs anymore... people "read" them, but never have anything to say.

You listen, to listen.
You listen, and reply.
You listen, and just be there.

Create an ally through your listening. Some day, you will need someone to listen to you.

Don't pretend to listen, and act like you were there... because you weren't. Blank eyes, crappy responses. Robotic, unsympathetic, no empathy at all. You will never understand.

Depression is not selfish, you don't just think about yourself. You think about the ones you want to talk to, share with, compare notes with... but then you think, "I don't want to bother them with my problems, when they have problems of their own." Therefore, thinking about them and their problems... feeling guilty for even wanting to mention anything going on with yourself.

So, right now... It just doesn't matter.

FUCK IT.

When It Comes To This Life (Poem)

Breaking these chains wrapped around this heart,
it wasn't turned to stone, or as cold as ice.
Being tied down, held back, stuck in time
where nothing was moving, or happening.

It's a wonder why the past stayed so close,
it was still there, lingering around as guilt.
Trying to let it go, but it still hung on
long enough to make someone go crazy.

This fear of losing you, hurting you,
never should have been there.
You can't lose something, or hurt someone
when they were never there in the first place.

Never should one feel guilty for speaking the truth,
for doing the right thing, when it comes to this life.
One's life should never be put aside, or on hold,
just to let someone else have all of the power.

Old Pair of Shoes

Read a post this morning and it goes well with the quote I posted this morning.

First quote:

"I may not be someone's first choice, but I'm a great choice. I may not be rich, but I'm valuable. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don't need to be. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away!" - Unknown

Friend's Post:

"If it's going to be hard for you to choose between me and someone else, just choose the other person because I am not an option."

I don't understand why people think it's ok to treat others like a pair of shoes. Decide one day that your are wearable, then find a new pair tomorrow. We are not shoes, we should not be treated as such. Would you want to be treated like an old pair of shoes? Something someone can go back to when all else fails?

When you make a commitment to something or someone, stick with it. Otherwise, decide ahead of time that you don't want to commit to anything until you've done some growing up. 

Until We Meet Again (Poem)

Shadows dancing in the moonlight,
starless sky, a dull darkness.
The moon, full and bright
its radiance caresses the earth.

Bathing in the essence,
only asking to always shine
even through the darkness,
until we meet again.

Looking at the moon,
watching her every move.
Never feeling completely alone,
knowingly sharing her light.

A cool breeze blows.
Clouds try to cover her beauty,
but she only glows brighter.
Dawn will come soon,
until we meet again. -km

This Fight Is Different

I am not quitting this fight, I will continue to fight no matter what. In the past, I would've given into this weakness, I would have given up. I don't want that weakness anymore. For life, for love, I will continue to fight. Not taking the easy way out, not running away, but to stay strong, brave, and true. I fight for what I want, til my last breath I promise you, to fight forever.

When things got rough, it was easy to run the other way. All that has caused me to do, is to constantly look back. I don't want to look back anymore, because I know there is a better and brighter future. Together. Solitary, life at its greatest point, but long enough it's waited to become more. Missing something greater, not necessarily making one better or worse, disconnected from the puzzle.

Stronger than ever, but I am still me. Head is on straight, heart not made of stone or ice. Optimism in the soul, reality at hand. Nothing to prove, nothing to gain from fighting to win. This fight is different. It is not war, or battle to be won. Nor a competition or race to the finish. This fight is not just for love, for life, or for whatever it is worth fighting for. It is so much more than that.

Clear as day, not a cloud to sway the mind in a different direction. Standing tall and true, tested, tried, and defeated. Dirty, but destined to not stay on the ground and weep. Defeated, but for true victory... to rise above and to continue forth, that is what I plan to do.

I won't give up.

Just Keep Fighting (Poem)

Feeling so frozen inside,
confused and angry.
Knowing this isn't the end,
fighting, just keep fighting.

The water is ice cold,
body starts to go numb.
Barely breathing,
barely holding on.

Wreckage floats by, grabbing hold.
Everything hurts, body stinging everywhere.
Clinging for dear life, fighting...
just keep fighting.

Stars are out, moon shines bright
waters start to go still, winds die down.
Shaking and shivering, close thine eyes.
So much pain, fades into the night. -km

Writing About My Son

The best way to describe Thomas would be this; he is like a flame, short of water nothing can put it out. Lately, the people around him are like firewood, and sometimes they can be the air that fuels an explosion. He also feeds off of the emotions of those around him, so I try to remain positive and calm when we are in the same room. We have our moments, but for the most part, our relationship has gotten better. I think now he understands that I am his mother, and everyone else is just another adult in the house.

My son was diagnosed with mild Autism, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) a couple years ago, and I have been working with quite a few people to get some help for him. We've been to the doctor, the pediatrician, social thinking groups, school psychologists, parent classes, seminars for Autism and ADHD, and have tried other local resources. Once we tried medication, but it was ineffective and stopped taking it. He has been taking natural supplements for a while now, and it seems to be more effective than anything else we've tried. 

He was also diagnosed with Encopresis, a very difficult problem pertaining the bowels. He developed a fear of using the toilet, one being that someone scared him because of the toilet overflowing. The other being that he is sensitive to sounds, so he doesn't like to use them. It gets to be complicated when trying to get him to sit down and try, becomes a bigger fight, making it more traumatic... so I just wait until he calms down to get him to try. Most of the time I can get him on there, but other influences are not helping at all. So he hides himself, locks himself in the bathroom, and gets backed up causing pain and discomfort. So I have to give him Miralax to get it moving again, so he won't be in so much pain. It's hard and trying to get help with this one is very difficult to find.

What defeats the purpose of me trying so hard to help him, is those around us that don't want to help. If he deserves praise at a certain time, he damn well better get it from everyone. If he deserves discipline for something, he damn well better get it. That has always been a struggle, which in the end, has caused nothing but a power struggle for him and the adults in his life. Making school difficult, by thinking he doesn't have to listen to the teachers when he is asked to do something. His cussing is out of hand at school and only sometimes at home. But, I would like to point out that his outbursts are happening a lot less at home. Progress is being made, and I am hopefully that it will only get better.

He is smart, he is funny, he is a handsome little guy, he is creative, stubborn, and strong-willed. He has such a sense of humor, that most people we run into compliments on how children his age don't have that kind of sense of humor. He is only 8 years old, and when people talk with him they always assume that he is older than he really is. He is sweet, caring, loving, and protective. At times he can be reckless, loud, and rambunctious. Life would be boring without him, and I can't imagine not having him around. Although we've had our issues, I really enjoy being a stay-at-home mom with him. I just wish that him and I were in a better situation.

Behind Closed Doors

Am I a hideous creature, damned to the depths of darkness... where no light shall shine upon this grotesque figure. No ones eyes should be forced to see into mine, or they'll be turned to stone. Cannot touch me in the sunlight, otherwise that someone will catch fire. For others, I will just be designated as the ugly fat friend. Why is it that I am only acceptable behind closed doors?

Am I a cruel human being, who has not done right by others? Have I done something in this life, or past, that has corrupted any chance to feel anything other than sadness? Am I hopelessly romantic, or is it just hopeless? Will I only be remembered when someone needs something from me?

This is not real. This is just a nightmare that someone never woke up from. Am I that someone? Will this nightmare ever end? It feels so real, what I would give to never feel again. Turn to stone, my heart ice cold, frozen in time to never love again. Tears dry and cease to exist, for there would be no reason to cry anymore. Words are firm and cold, not harsh, but they've lost their softness. Touch becomes rigid and unwelcomed, a hug seems to feel more like a trap than a warm invitation. Everything that tastes and smells... lost its delicacy. Turn to ash in the mouth, smells foul to the nose. The body starts to reject anything that isn't death itself.

*****************************************

I love myself. I know who I am. I don't need others in my life to confirm those affirmations. Though, I do have every right to question why the men in my life could never be proud to be with me.

I was going to start talking about every person, but I think I will just leave it at this right now. Even if I did talk about someone else, of course I would change their name. I think eventually I will start writing it all down, but for now, this is a taste of what it feels like. What it felt like, how it feels now... how it all just fills me with sadness.

Be sure to check out my last few posts if you've missed them. I haven't posted links for them, so some of them haven't been read at all. Thank you for taking the time to endure my healing process with me.

Take A Risk... With Me.

Feeling an urge to write, so I think I will write to my hearts content right now.

I have been through some crazy things in my life, but not so much of a regret rings loudly. I have had relationships, friendships, death,  drama, and education. Just like everyone else, I have experience a part of life that everyone goes through. I also believe that I experience things different, not pessimistically as some would have thought. I just have a different way of perceiving and processing things that go on.

For one, life is full of opportunity and I haven't quite figured out how to grasp it. I've never had the chance to experience it on my own. No regrets, I wouldn't change anything and I wouldn't go back to fix it. I could give a million and one excuses as to why I feel so held back. I can't blame anyone but myself... but in some cases I can. I was never taught real freedom. To have the ability to hop in a car and go wherever I wanted to at that moment. Not having a car has taught me to rely on others to get me somewhere. If I couldn't get there on foot, I would need a ride. Most people don't mind, but I know that it can be inconvenient at times. One of the reasons why I hate asking for help. Always feeling like an inconvenience. No one, in particular, ever made me feel that way... I did that to myself. The constant low self esteem and not knowing what good I had in me to be a better person.

When I lived in the city, I was able to rely on my own two feet to get me to where I needed to be. Being able to do that, alone, was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. It was a great feeling. Then I got a job where there was no transportation and no way to get home... back to relying on someone to come get me. So then later on I get a job closer by bus and during hours of business. Met some really great people, finally found a place where I fit in.. but something still felt missing. I missed my friends and I am crying... but I am not crying because I miss my friends. I was crying because I felt like I let someone down. I felt like I failed and I felt selfish.

The world wasn't out to get me, I was out to get me... sabotaging everything going well in my life. BUT people in my life don't make that very easy either. I am so SICK of being the bad guy every time something happens. It's not fair that I have to beat myself down because someone disagrees with me. I finally get a moment of clarity, high on life, confidence, strength, and determination... and something happens. SOMEONE got upset that my life was getting better. I let these people get to me and I let them destroy myself. (PITY ME PITY ME) (no wait... DON'T).

I am not asking for sympathy, or pity. I am simply writing down what I feel is right to write down. There is so much more that I want to say, and I am not sure if I will be able to say it all. I just want my readers to know one thing.

That I love you. Thank you for taking the time out of your crazy busy lives and reading what I have to say. Thank you for putting up with me. I do not apologize for being me, but I apologize for seeming so pessimistic. I am an Over Analytical Realist, who likes to have plans, to do lists, and organization. WITH days of feeling scattered and messy, just to feel human. I am NOT perfect, so please, please, please, stop expecting me to be. I am here. I am me. Love me.